Play Expo Manchester 2012 – Report

Play Expo Manchester 2012 – Report

It’s not often that anything exciting happens up north, so when it was announced that Play Expo was coming to Manchester, MS and I were most excited. On paper, at least, Play Expo sounded intriguing enough for us to fork out £13.20 (each) for a day pass. We both had our own ideas of what we’d like to see at Play Expo, but neither of us had particularly high expectations for the event. We decided that to make our trip worthwhile (in case the event was rubbish), we ought to report on our experiences for the benefit of future attendees. After all, how will people know whether or not they should attend Play Expo 2013 (if there is one), if there isn’t a no-nonsense review to guide them?

For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to break down this review into the four separate event categories: now.play, pro.play. re.play and cos.play. Anything that’s not covered in any of these four these sections will be discussed under the heading of misc.play. Just to be clear as to what these headings actually mean, here’s Play.Expo’s official explanation:

now.play has a large emphasis on new and upcoming games, hardware and accessory releases, for the latest consoles and PC.  pro.play is an eSports event featuring [big-money!] competitive gaming tournaments whilst re.play will feature freeplay arcade & pinball machines, retro consoles and vintage computers. Finally, cos.play will include costume competitions, talks, DDR, Artists and Anime traders.

Now.Play

Inside the Event City warehouse (where the Expo was held), there were all kinds of videogame publisher’s booths scattered about the place. At the time of the Expo, the Wii U had yet to be released, so unsurprisingly Nintendo’s booth proved to be the most popular. It was so popular, in fact, that people were willing to stand in line for a chance to see (and play) Nintendo’s latest videogame hardware. Naturally, MS and I couldn’t be bothered queuing, so we decided to play Mario Kart on the SNES instead. If you were willing to wait in the queue, your patience would be rewarded with the opportunity to play the Wii U before anyone else. In my pre-attendance news article, I suggested that it would be great if we were given the opportunity to talk about the product (and/or the games) with the people who developed them. Unfortunately, Nintendo was represented by their UK sales and marketing team, so any information you’d receive about the product would have been in the form of a slick sales pitch.

 Above: Lucky girl

As well as Nintendo, there were other publishers/developers who’d sent teams of marketing types to represent their company. EA’s presence was certainly made clear with their two giant marketing booths – one advertising FIFA (unsurprisingly) and the other, the (then) new Need For Speed game. Gamers, of course, avoided EA’s booths like the plague, as many believe the company – through their alleged unsavoury business practices – is responsible for fucking up some of the best videogame franchises in history. Put it this way, there weren’t many Bullfrog, Maxis and Westwood fans flocking towards those booths. I’m not going to say any more about EA (because I don’t want to be sued), but there are many, many good reasons why Electronic Arts was voted 2012’s Worst Company in America by The Consumerist readers.

If you came to Play.Expo specifically to sample upcoming releases, then there were indeed opportunities to do just this. It was possible to sample games such as Ni No Kuni and X-Com: Enemy Unknown if you were interested in that sort of thing.  I can’t say I was all that fussed about sampling upcoming releases, so I didn’t really pay that much attention to this area of the expedition. Now.play, however, seemed popular enough with the other attendees.

Pro.play

In my pre-attendance news article, I made a list of things that I didn’t want to see at Play.Expo. Here’s a sample of that list:

• A room filled with Xbox 360s hosting a Call of Duty competition.
• A room filled with PS3s hosting a FIFA 2012 competition.

“A room filled with Xbox 360s hosting a Call of Duty competition” would be an understatement: there was an entire warehouse devoted to this nonsense, complete with a team of commentators and cinema-sized projection screen to replay the highlights. There were bays of Xbox 360s in which ‘clans’ would crowd around and take it in turns to (virtually) shoot their rivals. Interestingly, every single competitor was a male aged 16 – 30, which begs the question, why aren’t females participants in this (rather unhealthy) gaming culture?

It’s not just physically-unhealthy, sat down, staring at a screen intensely and downing energy drink after energy drink, it’s also socially-unhealthy. If a competitor ‘fragged’ someone, they’d get up and shout ‘in your face’ or some other equally as obnoxious and uncouth Americanised phrase. If someone did that to me during a game of chess, for example, I’d probably punch them in the face. These young males have spent so many hours chatting gaming nonsense through their headsets that they can no longer communicate with people in a civilised manner. They’ve adopted this aggressive form of online communication as a means of socially-interacting with the outside world, which to me seems rather dangerous. Sooner or later, someone’s bound to take offence at their blatant disregard for Grice’s Maxim of ‘manner’.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never quite understood the appeal of Call of Duty. At some point in the franchise’s history, COD was a historical FPS which portrayed warfare in a realistic manner. However, nobody plays this game for its setting… or its plot… or um, it’s character development, they play it to shoot strangers online. Before Black Ops 2 was released, I had a chat with a couple of fans who had the game on pre-order. I asked what they thought of the single player campaign, to which they replied, “I only play it online; I just wanna shoot people on Xbox Live.” I’ll admit, the few people I spoke to were rather chavvy-looking, but these comments seemed to represent the shared mentality of the COD fan. They’re not gamers; they’re complete fucking wankers. If they really want to fire a gun at strangers, they ought to consider joining the army.

It’s a shame that Play.Expo devoted so much time and space to this ugly gaming culture, but if they’re going to appeal to a mass market, they need to cater for these people. There were some competitive events which were aimed at normal people. The Super Mario Kart time-attack challenge was one such event:

Above: That guy in the red hooded top… if Grumpy Cat were a gamer…

The challenge was to beat Sami Cetin’s (world record holder) time trial score on the first course of the Mushroom Cup. At 50p a play, the purpose of the event (aside from having fun) was to raise money for the Ludus Magnus charity. Unlike the COD competitions, this event highlighted how gaming can have a positive impact in society. Unsurprisingly, the Mario Kart competitors were a lot less obnoxious and socially-inept than the COD freaks.

Aside from the Mario Kart challenge, there were other competitions aimed at traditional gamers, such as Street Fighter II tournament, however, neither of these events benefited from the same floor space/resources as the headline pro.play tournaments.

Re.Play

Re.play, arguably the most enjoyable part of the Expo, gave attendees access to freeplay arcade & pinball machines, retro consoles and vintage computers. There were rows and rows of retro videogames machines hooked up to 14” CRT televisions:

Above: The Joker appeared to be playing Batman Begins on the Gamecube.

Obviously, there were plenty of the more popular consoles such as the SNES, Mega Drive and N64, but it was nice to see some of the more unusual systems such as the Turbo Graffix and the er, MGT SAM Coupé (whatever that is).  Attendees tended to flock towards the more popular consoles, however, particularly the Super Nintendos playing Street Fighter and Mario Kart. I can’t blame them, of course, this was a rare opportunity to play these classics on the original, non-emulated system. During peak times, there were queues to play these more popular games, which forced people onto the lesser-known systems. This was probably a good thing, as whilst both MS and I have access to a Super Nintendo and Mario Kart at our homes, neither of us owns a Goldstar FC-200 MSX.

Above: Amiga Vs. Atari – I was always an Atari man myself

As well as home videogames systems, there were also arcade and pinball machines. Admittedly, I’m not much of a fan of pinball, so I’ll just relay my observations. There were well over 50 pinball machines, which were all occupied for pretty much most of the day. As well as competitions to win cash prizes, this was also an opportunity for pinball enthusiasts to purchase spare parts for their machines from the Pinball Daze stand. It was unsurprising to see that this area of the Expo was so popular; with so few amusement arcades nowadays, it begs the question, where exactly do people go to play pinball?

Above: It’s not every day you see Guile drinking a pint of lager

Of course, the same question can apply to the videogame arcade machines, too. In my youth, going to the arcades to play videogames was one of my favourite pastimes. Beat-em-ups such as Final Fight and Killer Instinct were the machines I clocked up the most time on. When virtually all the arcades closed down in my town, it was a sad day indeed. Yes, we can play far superior games are our Xboxes at home, but there’s something to be said for playing these charming titles in an arcade environment, stood in front of a big, black cabinet. It’s not an experience which can be (easily) emulated at home. Moreover, in an arcade environment, you can physically interact with people (rather than virtually through Xbox Live), and challenge them to a game of something. It’s poignant to consider how few modern gamers will ever experience the pleasures of arcade gaming.

Back to the Expo… the arcade section was to some extent, a disappointment. Many of the arcade machines which should have been set up for multiplayer, i.e. Sega Rally, were set up in single-player cabinets. To make matters worse, the multiplayer games in the multiplayer cabinets (such as Killer Instinct) weren’t in full-working order. This meant that if you wanted to have a two player game of Killer Instinct, your opponent would have to play without half his/her controls working. This really annoyed me, as these machines should have been in full-working order before they were put out on the floor. Yes, they were ‘free play’, so I shouldn’t be complaining, but at the end of the day, I paid good money to attend this Expo, and part of my ticket cost has paid for the use of these machines.

Above: Arguably the best arcade machine at the Expo… shame it didn’t work properly.

Overall, the re.play segment of the Expo was a good laugh. MS and I probably spent the vast majority of our time at the Expo playing these gems from the past. Had the arcade machines all functioned properly (and that includes being set up for multiplayer gaming), re.play would have been worth the ticket price alone.

 

Cos.Play

Let me start this section by saying that prior to this event, I have never actually met a cosplayer, let alone sat in the audience of a cosplay competition. This means that I’m perhaps not the best person to judge this section of Play.Expo, so apologies if my understanding is somewhat erroneous. From what I can tell, cosplayers invest a huge amount of their free time creating replica costumes of their favourite videogame or anime character. Part of the skill is to reproduce the costume as accurately as possible. However, dressing up is not the only aspect of cosplaying. When on stage, they must also ‘play’ (hence the term cosplay) or act out the part of the character they’re trying to replicate. So, for example, if they’re dressed up as Gordon Freeman from the Half Life series of games, I would imagine that they’re not allowed to talk. Again, as well as being judged on their outfits, cosplayers are also judged by how well they act out their characters. Whilst I can’t quite understand the appeal of this unusual pastime, there’s no denying that the cosplayers themselves appear to really enjoy what they do.

The event itself was broken up into 3 parts. To start with, a seasoned-pro gave the audience an introduction to ‘cosplay’, discussing what it is, and what one needs to do in order to get involved in the culture. Following on from that, there were live demonstrations on how to apply ‘anime’ style make-up and things. At this stage in the event, MS and I had temporarily disappeared, as the demonstrations became rather tedious. When we returned, the main event was about to begin – the cosplay competition. As you’d expect in such a competition, there were lots of ‘neckbeards’ with high-powered digital SLR cameras, stood as close to the stage as humanly possible. The cynic in me would say that they were only there to take photos of scantily-clad young girls, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. They were probably just cosplay enthusiasts, who document these events in the same way that MS and I document our gaming experiences.

The competition was judged by 3 cosplaying experts, and there were roughly 30 (mainly female) participants. From what I could gather, they were being judged on the accuracy/craftsmanship of their costume, as well as their character performance. I wasn’t that arsed about character performance, I just wanted to see to scantily-clad ladies. Ahem. Anyway, as the cosplayers walked on stage, appropriate music for their character played through the rather loud sound system. It was quite well-organised to a point, but every now and then, there were a couple of fuck-ups regarding the correct music tracks. There’s not really much else to say about the cos.play event, other than despite the fact I’m not the least bit interested in cosplay, I actually had a good laugh watching them all arse about on stage. Anyway, here’s a picture gallery of some of the most interesting cosplayers at Play.Expo:

Above: She was the seasoned-pro who gave the cosplay lectures.

 

 Above: It’s Princess Zelda, of course. She appeared to be pointing at everyone, for some reason. Still, she looked the part.

Above: Oh my, someone’s ripped the poor girl’s jeans. She seemed to know how to work the stage, though.

 

Above: This man looked like he was dressed for the pub. I assume he was drunk when he got on stage, as he had absolutely nothing to do with the competition.

 

Above: Another Princess Zelda, and this time she’s brought Link along. They seemed to know what they were doing.

Above: It’s the Joker, and he looked pretty convincing.

Above: He certainly acted the part, but I can’t say he looked particularly convincing.

Above: She looked good from all angles, even if I had no idea who she was supposed to be dressed as. She must have been bloody cold, though, considering the outdoor temperature that day was around 5 degrees Celsius.

Above: Judging by all those belt buckles, I’m guessing she was dressed as a Final Fantasy character.

Above: Ah yes, arguably the most hated Internet culture of all, the furries. I’m not sure if it was a he or a she under that fursuit, as I don’t think it was ever taken off.

Above: Bloody hell, that’s a costume and a half. I’m pretty sure he actually won the overall competition. 10/10 for effort.

Above: Er, probably not the outfit for her body shape.

Above: Ah yes, she was by far the best cosplayer in my opinion.

Above: She got a lot of dirty looks from her fellow female cosplayers…

Above: … and an awful lot of photographs from the (mainly) male audience.

Above: At last, I think I finally understand the appeal of cosplay.

 

Misc.Play

One thing I always look forward to at expeditions is picking up a rare souvenir or momentum. There were a number of stalls selling videogame-related artefacts, ranging from retro games and systems to t-shirts and plush toys. The merchants selling actual games and systems had a good range of products, but were selling them at a premium. Put it this way, they knew what their stock was worth, so there was no chance of getting a bargain from them.

Above: £80 for a Mega Drive? No thanks.

I’d rather it was more like a car boot sale, where people sell items based on how much they want for them, rather than what they think they’re worth. There seems to be this shared mentality amongst certain videogame merchants that if a product is old and boxed, it must be worth a lot of money. This just isn’t true. The Sega Mega Drive, for example, does not hold the same cultural or aesthetic value as the Super Nintendo. But to get back to the Expo, the videogames stalls were disappointing simply because they didn’t offer anything cheaper or more unique than what’s available on eBay.

Whilst the videogame stalls weren’t brilliant, the related-merchandise stands were a lot better. Their prices were realistic and their range of items was decent. For example, there were people selling their own videogame fan art and other related homemade crafts. A lot of this stuff had sold out on the Saturday, but there was still plenty leftover for Sunday attendees. Admittedly, these merchants are entering into the realms of copyright infringement. The legalities of selling drawings based on copyrighted videogame art are somewhat questionable. Personally, if their work is original, using unique character poses etc., then they deserve to make money from their hard work. If, however, they’ve just traced an existing pose, then I don’t believe they should be allowed to profit from their efforts.

Above: Okay, technically I was photographing the t-shirt stand… ‘Babydoll’ just happened to be stood in front of it…

Both MS and I had specific items in mind that we had hoped to pick up at the Expo. MS wanted a decent mug, presumably with a retro Nintendo design. I was happy to settle for a decent t-shirt or vinyl statue. Unfortunately, neither of us found what we wanted. Nintendo, for example, had their marketing booth, but for whatever reason they weren’t selling any merchandise from it. Just think how many people would have loved an officially licensed Nintendo mug or t-shirt from the Nintendo stall. This was a wasted opportunity, because people like me will throw good money at anything with the official Nintendo licence stamped on it.

Finally, it’s worth briefly discussing some of the facilities Play.Expo had on offer. If you needed to empty your bladder, there were plenty of toilets situated in a convenient locations. If you wanted to fill your bladder, there was a stall to buy food and drink. The food wasn’t brilliant: it was the typical junk food you’d associate with a gamer’s diet, served from what looked like a glorified burger van. If you didn’t fancy anything from the burger van, The Trafford Centre was just across the road with its HUGE food court, as well as an ASDA hypermarket. Because everywhere was heaving in the Trafford Centre, MS and I (regrettably) elected to eat at ASDA. If I ever visit again, I’ll probably just bring my own food.

Above: Bronies…

Conclusion

The underlying concept of Play.Expo is sound. If there’s one thing the North West needs, it’s an annual expedition devoted solely to the pleasures associated with videogames. The basic foundations are in place for future expeditions; but this is not to say they don’t need building upon. The pro.play section, for example, needs to cater for a wider demographic. Unless you’re a socially-inept male aged 16 – 26, you’re not going to want to partake in a COD competition. There should have also been pro.play arcade challenges, for example. The re.play section for me was the highlight, but as mentioned in the report, the arcade machines weren’t in full-working order, and there weren’t enough multiplayer racers.

Despite all these problems, I did enjoy myself. If I was asked if I’d go again, I’d probably say yes. Like I said, Play.Expo is fundamentally a great idea – I just hope all the niggling flaws are ironed out before my next attendance.

Score: 7/10

RH

Wonder Boy in Monster Land – Sega Master System (1988)

Wonder Boy in Monster Land – Sega Master System (1988)

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Monster Land is the direct sequel to the mediocre arcade game Wonder Boy. Released in 1986, Wonder Boy in Monster Land was originally developed for the arcades. The following year it was released for the Sega Master System, and roughly a year or so later, it was ported to virtually every other non-Nintendo gaming system. By 1988, Nintendo had already released two well-received Legend of Zelda titles for its Nintendo Entertainment System, which meant that if Sega were trying to compete in the RPG adventure market, this port of Monster Land would have to be pretty fucking special.

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The most immediately obvious difference between the Master System port and the original arcade version is its visual presentation. Due to the Master System’s limited graphics memory, the sprites are much smaller and environments lack the same level of detail. On the positive side, the GUI which limited your visibility in the arcade version (and most other versions) has been replaced with a status screen which is accessible via the pause button. I particularly like the Master System’s bright and bold colour palette; yes, it’s not the most detailed game of all time, but the simple, cartoon-like graphics work well.

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The animation for the most part is a little on the simplistic side. When Wonder Boy walks forward, for example, it’s only his feet (rather than his whole body) that are actually animated. Many of the enemies move unnaturally due to their lack of animation sprites. Perhaps this is a harsh criticism for a game that’s over 20-years-old, however, The Dragon’s Trap was released the following year for the same system, and the animation in that game was vastly superior.

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The enemies of Monster Land for the most part look fine, but they’re not exactly original creations – just how many games have we seen bats and snakes used as standard opponents? The bosses and mini-bosses, on the other hand, are rather awesome:

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Monster Land might not push the Master System to its technological limits, but for a game that’s over 20 years old, I think we can forgive Sega on this occasion.

One of my favourite aspects of Wonder Boy in Monster Land is its superb musical score. It might not feature as many tracks as the arcade version, but most of the best music remains. Interestingly, the Master System music sounds like it’s played at a higher bitrate; the arcade version often sounded ‘crackly’ for one of a better word. I’m slightly disappointed that this version of the game doesn’t feature the iconic cave BGM which was used in The Dragon’s Trap. If you hadn’t played the arcade version of the Monster Land, this obvious nod to the previous game would be completely lost on you.

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Left: Wonder Boy has no trouble breathing under water.  Right: Conveyer belts are a typical feature of Monster Land castles… for some reason.

I haven’t touched on the sound effects yet because, well, there’s not really much point. Monster Land seems to share the same sound effects with pretty much every other Master System game of 1988. It certainly doesn’t have as realistic SFX as the arcade version, but it’s no better or worse than any other Master System game of this era.

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Above: Wow, I’ve never seen a pyramid level in a Master System game before!

If I had to guess the reason why Wonder Boy in Monster Land (or Super Wonder Boy) was ported to so many systems, I’d say that it was due to its addictive gameplay. I mentioned The Legend of Zelda earlier as a series to rival Wonder Boy: this was due to both games sharing a similar setting (medieval fantasy world) and featuring both side quests and character development. Arguably, this game has more in common with the legendary platformer Super Mario Bros.. Unlike a Legend of Zelda title where you need to solve puzzles and collect special items in order to progress, Monster Land simply requires you to run and jump over obstacles before the timer runs out. Okay, so there are a few boss battles along the way, but the point I’m trying to make is that the sort of skills a player needs to complete Wonder Boy in Monster Land are not to dissimilar to the button manipulation required to beat Super Mario Bros..

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I’m not overly sure I like Westone’s attempt at amalgamating an arcade style platformer with an RPG adventure game. As a consequence of the timer, there’s very little time to stop and explore the environments. During my playthrough for this review, I was in such a rush to complete the levels (to avoid running out of time), that I ended up missing the entire sidequest. Unless you know exactly where you’re going, and where each hidden door is, the timer just adds a needless challenge. Perhaps to add replay value, Sega could have implemented an optional timed mode for the more discerning gamer; but for a first playthrough, without any guide, it forces you to complete the game in about half an hour… and that’s not good value for money.

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Above: There are secret doors throughout Monster Land – press the up button frequently.

Having said all this, Monster Land’s gameplay remains a powerfully-addictive force. I might have completed this game in just 40 minutes, but within an hour or so, I felt like I wanted to do it all over again, perhaps adjusting my strategy for a more efficient playthrough. It’s not an easy game by any stretch of the imagination, and the value in this game comes in the form of the player wanting to hone their sword skills (through replaying the game) in order to make their next adventure less brutal. The controls are very precise which makes the fighting and platforming element all the more enjoyable.

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Above: Hidden boss rooms contain sword upgrades.

An important part of Monster Land is character development. Throughout your adventure you’ll come across shops and inns which sell equipment and energy replenishment. Shields and armour obviously improve your defence, whilst better boots allow for quicker movement and longer jumping. There is definitely a strategy dictating the right time to purchase certain equipment. For example, buying quality boots early on allows you to jump to platforms which contain hidden gold, thus allowing you to purchase the more expensive items. Of course, searching for gold takes time, and it’s likely you’ll end up sacrificing energy (as that’s what happens when the hourglass runs out) for cash. If you can’t afford additional equipment, enemies will sometimes drop items such as gauntlets or helmets which can temporarily improve your attack/defence.

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Left: Be sure to purchase new equipment at shops.  Right: Ale or Mead? Alcoholic beverages are a good source of health, for some reason.

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Wonder Boy in Monster Land is an important landmark in the series, representing the transition from the pure arcade platforming style of the original, to the more adventure/RPG orientated Dragon’s Trap. However, I don’t suppose many modern gamers will appreciate this title. Nowadays, very few gamers would have the patience to play a game like Monster Land. It’s not like Skyrim where you can simply level up until you’re strong enough to overcome a dungeon; Monster Land requires you to hone your existing skills until you can avoid every fire ball, or jump onto every platform. Today’s gamers have it too easy; or at least, the vast majority of them do (Dark Souls wasn’t a huge commercial hit you see).

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Above: The Mecha Dragon looks shite in this game.

Anyway, the point I’m (possibly) trying to make, (although I’m not overly sure anymore) is that Monster Land hasn’t aged as well as The Dragon’s Trap – a game which did away with all the arcade elements of  its predecessor. If you were born after 1990, I wouldn’t recommend you purchasing this game; you just won’t get it. Monster Land, for me, remains the most charming game in the series; it’s certainly not the best Wonder Boy adventure, but its nostalgic appeal is unparalleled.

Score: 6/10

RH

Developer(s)	Westone
Publisher(s)	Sega
Price(s)	eBay auction: £5 – £20 (used) eBay fixed price: £12 – £30 (used) ZX Spectrum version – approx. £15 Other systems – unknown Wii Virtual Console: 600 points

Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap – Sega Master System (1989)

Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap – Sega Master System (1989)

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The Dragon’s Trap is the third game in Sega’s incredible Wonder Boy series (ignoring the truly dreadful Monster’s Lair). Released in 1989, Wonder Boy III is an action adventure game set in the perilous fantasy world of Monster Land. The story continues from the last game, which sees Wonder Boy entering the Monster’s Castle in an effort to destroy the evil Mecha Dragon. Unbeknownst to our protagonist, Mecha Dragon can inflict powerful curses upon its enemies, and upon being defeated, he transforms our hero into another being. In his new form, Wonder Boy must fight through the treacherous Monster Land in an attempt to vanquish evil from this world once and for all.

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Whilst the narrative is somewhat similar to the previous Wonder Boy adventure, the major difference between this game and its predecessor is the ability to change form. The only time you’re in command of Wonder Boy in his human form is during the opening scenes of the The Dragon’s Trap. Once you’ve defeated Mecha Dragon you’re immediately transformed into Lizard-Man. Throughout the game thereafter, you’ll transform into a whole host of characters, each with their own unique strengths and weaknesses. I’ll discuss this idea of changing form in more detail during the gameplay section of this review. For now, let’s concentrate on the visuals, and determine how successful Westone have been in setting the scene for this fantasy adventure game.

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In terms of visuals, The Dragon’s Trap is vastly superior to Monster Land. The character/enemy sprites are much bigger and much more detailed; the characters themselves are much better animated; and the overall detail in the environments is also an improvement. It’s hard to believe that both games were released on the same system within two years of one another. I mentioned that Wonder Boy has a number of new forms: Lizard-Man, Mouse-Man, Piranha-Man, Lion-Man and Hawk-Man. Each one of these sprites is unique and well-animated, a crucially, look like what they’re supposed to represent. Perhaps my only issue with these sprites is that if you change your equipment, the character sprites remain unchanged. Perhaps I’m asking too much of an 8-bit game released over 20 years ago.

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The backgrounds for the most part are detailed and are certainly an improvement on the previous game. However, there are moments when dungeons look rather bland and generic, and even instances when there’s too little detail to determine where you’re actually adventuring. The best example of an environment which lacks detail is the boss rooms:

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The boss room consists of a solid black background and a grey boarder. I don’t know if this lack of detail can be attributed to a limited graphics memory, i.e., with the large boss sprite on screen, perhaps the Master System couldn’t handle any extra detail. I’ve noticed this in other Master System titles such as Shadow of the Beast:

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There are some areas which have questionable backgrounds; for example, in Daimyo Dragon’s dungeon, I have absolutely no idea what the background imagery is supposed to represent:

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However, there are some excellent backgrounds which are complemented by detailed enemy sprites:

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The previous Wonder Boy game didn’t have a huge variety of monsters, and many of them were rather clichéd, i.e. bats and snakes. The Dragon’s Trap, on the other hand, has a huge roster of enemies – anything from Cyclopes to Samurais. Like with virtually every other Sega game of the late 80s/early 90s, many of the enemy sprites in The Dragon’s Trap are re-coloured to represent more difficult opponents. So, for example, red Giant Toads are easy to kill, green Giant Toads are more difficult, and finally, the blue ones are tougher still. I’m not particularly fussed about sprite recycling, as there are already a huge amount of individual enemies which feature throughout the game. For the most part, The Dragon’s Trap scores well in terms of visuals.

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Above: Treasure chests contain useful things!

Wonder Boy in Monster Land had some of the best videogame music of er, 1986. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for The Dragon’s Trap. There are two reasons for this: 1) the levels are much longer than the previous game so the looped music tracks sound a lot more repetitive, 2) the scores themselves sound rather bland and unoriginal. It’s a big disappointment when you consider that Wonder Boy games tend to have very agreeable musical scores. The sound effects, on the other hand, are rather excellent… or at least, rather excellent considering the Master System’s (very) limited sound capabilities.

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Above: Secret doors are hidden throughout Monster Land.

Wonder Boy adventures have always stood out as having particularly excellent gameplay. The Dragon’s Trap is no exception: the simple mix of platform jumping and sword slashing combined with (basic) RPG elements makes for a superb gaming experience. This title also offers a more nonlinear style of gaming, for example, you can return to any area in Monster Land at any point in the game. This is especially useful if you’ve missed something the first time around or if you simply need some extra gold. This always annoyed me about the previous adventure, where if you couldn’t afford an item in a shop, you could never return to it in the future when you’ve acquired the extra funds.

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Above: Shops are one the only areas you can interact with people/pigs.

The ability to change into different forms is obviously another big change in this game. At first, I wasn’t sure of what to make of the game when Mecha Dragon transformed me into the pathetic Lizard-Man. However, when I realised I could transform into many different beings, all with their unique skills and abilities, I decided that this was actually an amazing concept. So, as an example of this, Mouse-Man can fit through small holes as well as walk up certain textures:

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Lizard-Man is physically strong and an amazing swimmer:

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Lion-Man and Hawk-Man also have unique abilities (which you can find out for yourself):

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One area of this game I don’t particularly like is its lack of RPG elements. For example, in the previous adventure there were side quests and characters to interact with. If you’re stuck at any point in this game, there is no one to guide you. I can’t tell you how long it took me to work out that I needed the Dragon Mail to cross the desert’s lava pit. Although there wasn’t as much equipment in Monster Land, there was more variety: for example, there are no boots in this game. Perhaps this is due to the fact that each of the forms Wonder Boy can change into have more than enough abilities to compensate.

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There are some instances in The Dragon’s Trap where you’ll need to stop and think, rather than just hack and slash your way through levels. Certain equipment such as the Dragon Mail and Magical Saber are essential to bypass specific obstacles; however, I think this idea could have been expanded upon. It’s not like a Legend of Zelda adventure where there are 10 plus items which you’ll need to bypass obstacles at different points in the game. It’s a shame really, because had more been made of this, and had there been proper character interaction with side quests, The Dragon’s Trap could have been one of the best games of its generation.

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–Above: Power-ups such as Tornados can help you defeat unreachable enemies.

Before I can wrap up this review, I need to discuss the game’s level design. As discussed earlier, it’s possible to return to any point in the game’s map providing you’re able to transform into enough characters. In a sense, it’s a lot like Dark Souls (bear with me on this), in that the entire game map is connected. Whilst this is obviously a welcome feature, the levels themselves aren’t as well designed as MonsterLand. In fact, many of the dungeons are simply long corridors with little in the way of altitude changes. In MonsterLand, there were ladders and moving platforms to connect different areas of a dungeon; The Dragon’s Trap seems to lack this variety. Having said that, the different forms Wonder Boy can transform into allows for variation in the gameplay such as flying and swimming.

Overall I’d say The Dragon’s Trap is a solid adventure game which helps set a new standard for the Wonder Boy series. Whilst Monster Land had the better score and a more interactive story, The Dragon’s Trap is a far more sophisticated game. Thanks to a password save system, it’s now possible to take a break from your adventure, rather than having to do it all in one go. Whatever flaws this title might have, there can be no denying that in terms of gameplay, it’s one of the best Master System adventures money can (or rather could) buy. There are enough hours of gaming to make it a worthwhile purchase on your Wii Virtual Console.

 

Score: 7.5/10

RH

Developer(s)	Westone
Publisher(s)	Sega
Price(s)	eBay auction: £3 – £10 (used) eBay fixed price: £7 – £15 (used) Wii Virtual Console: 600 points

 

 

Z – PC (1996)

Z – PC (1996)

Back in the mid-1990s downloading demos of the latest PC games was rather difficult. Hampered by bandwidth, the only way to sample the newest releases was via the cover-mounted demo disc attached to your favourite PC monthy.  My computer magazine of choice was PCW (Personal Computer World) – not for its literary content – but for the optical disc taped to its cover. One such optical disc included a demo of Z – a real-time strategy game developed by The Bitmap Brothers. My positive experiences playing the demo encouraged me to rush out and buy the full game. 16 years on, it’s time to assess whether or not I made the right decision.

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Z is a real-time strategy game which sees the player take command of an army of robots. There’s not much in the way of a story, but the aim of the game is to help General Zod defeat all enemy forces across 5 different planets. During the introduction we meet Alan and Brad whose job is to pilot Zod’s supply ship. Both of these robots are portrayed as being utterly useless and are seemingly incapable of completing a simple delivery on time. As a consequence of their incompetence, Zod’s units are normally outnumbered on the battlefield. The cut-scenes featuring these two robots provide much needed comic relief between the tense battles. And the battles are tense; but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Like I said, there’s not much of a narrative, but I don’t think Z suffers as a result.

There was a time when videogame journalists described every new game as a ‘clone’ of something: Duke Nukem 3D was a ‘Doom Clone’, for example. Z, or any other real-time strategy for that matter, would have been branded a ‘Command & Conquer Clone’. Command & Conquer might have been the most prominent RTS game of the mid-1990s, but to label Z as its clone would be inaccurate. They might share the same genre but the basic game mechanics are completely different. In many ways Z is the more sophisticated game:

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Above: Command & Conquer

Below: Z

Providing you had a SVGA monitor, Z made C&C look rather silly. Everything on screen is crisp and clear; it’s obvious what each sprite is supposed to represent. The Bitmap Brothers seemed to understand the limitations of the mid-1990’s PC. Rather than attempt to make the visuals look as realistic as possible, The Bitmap Brothers opted for simple, cartoony graphics. The attention to detail is excellent:

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Check out the seagulls!

When your robots are left alone for too long, they’ll shoot at the wildlife; they’re also known to whip out a fishing rod or even a deck of cards:

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There’s always lots of debris flying about the battle field:

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Perhaps the only negative aspect of the visuals is the fact that all 6 robot types share the same sprite. It’s possible that this single sprite was used deliberately so that the player is unable to determine the type of enemy robots approaching. However, it seems more likely that the lack of variation between these sprites was the result of a limited graphics engine.

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Above: Clicking on the unit reveals the robot type (Grunts).–

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Vehicles are easily identifiable.

As well as boasting some excellent visuals, Z scores well in the sound department too. Your army of robots liven up the battlefield with their witty (and often rude) dialogue. The Bitmap Brothers have made sure that there’s enough variation in the dialogue not to get boring. For example, just clicking on a unit will prompt the robot(s) to say: “unit reporting,” “yes sir” or “Grunts reporting.” Robots can sometimes (indirectly) advise you, for example, if you ask a Grunt to attack a Heavy tank, the robot will respond with “you’re joking?” If you’re doing well, robots will randomly utter phrases of encouragement: “let’s finish them off.” Finally, if you’re not doing so well, the robots will begin a tirade of verbal abuse.

The SFX are pretty generic but they work well. The attention to detail is superb, for example, if you listen carefully it’s possible to hear the humming of tank engines or the screeching of birds. All sound effects, including the voices, appear to have been recorded at a decent bit rate. The music, on the other hand, does not rely on bit rates, but rather your soundcard’s MIDI support. Yes, like many mid-‘90s PC games, Z’s soundtrack is made up of MIDI sequences. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; Doom’s soundtrack used the same format and that was bloody brilliant. Z’s soundtrack is slightly more advanced in the sense that the music reacts to what’s happening on screen. This means that a 3 minute MIDI sequence can sound varied and interesting enough to last an entire stage. Unfortunately, there are only 3 music tracks for the 5 stages, which means 2 of the tracks are used more than once. Surely it wouldn’t have been that much work to write 2 more MIDI sequences? The music is good; there just needs to be more of it.

The Bitmap Brothers have always made games that have been challenging but ultimately rewarding. Z is no exception; it can be brutal at times, but it’s arguably one of the most enjoyable RTS games I’ve ever played. The basic objective of the game is to beat the blue team; this can be achieved by either annihilating all their units or destroying/infiltrating their fort. It sounds simple enough, but advancing to a position where you’re able to defeat the blue team takes quick-thinking and timely-strategies.

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Above: Attempting to infiltrate the enemy fort.–

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Attempting to destroy the enemy fort.

You start each level with your fort factory and a handful of units. Factories such as forts can be used to build either robots, vehicles or guns. The cost of a unit is calculated in time rather than credits. The time it takes to build units decreases the more territories you acquire. Finally, the more advanced a unit is, the more time it takes to build. For example, a Jeep will take a lot less time to assemble than a Heavy tank. Of course, not all factories are equipped to manufacture more advance units; the factory’s star rating determines the type of units it can build.

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There’s nothing more thrilling than watching your shiny new Heavy tank roll off the production line.

You start each level with your fort factory and a handful of units. Factories such as forts can be used to build either robots, vehicles or guns. The cost of a unit is calculated in time rather than credits. The time it takes to build units decreases the more territories you acquire. Finally, the more advanced a unit is, the more time it takes to build. For example, a Jeep will take a lot less time to assemble than a Heavy tank. Of course, not all factories are equipped to manufacture more advance units; the factory’s star rating determines the type of units it can build.

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Above: Green crates contain grenades which help improve your robots’ firepower.–

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Once you’ve captured enough territories, you’ll be in a position to make a final assault on your enemy. Your assault will only be a success if you’ve selected the most effective units. There are 6 types of robot, 7 varieties of vehicle and 4 different defence guns. Understanding each unit’s strengths and weaknesses will give you the edge over your opponent. One of the difficulties of Z is that you have to make so many decisions within a small space of time. Even after you’ve managed to capture a territory, it will be constantly under attack by your opponent. During the later levels, when maps contain a greater number of territories, defending them all simultaneously is virtually impossible.

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Above: Blue’s Mobile Missile Launcher carving a path through my Lasers. It’s safe to say that I’ve lost that particular territory.

Perhaps one of Z’s most unique features is its sophisticated enemy AI. In Command and Conquer, enemy units followed specific pathways which made it easy to read your computer opponent. In Z, the AI actually reacts to player’s decisions, which obviously increases the level of difficulty. Having reactionary AI also means that no battle is ever alike, as the computer’s strategies are forever changing.

Z can be difficult, frustrating and sometimes downright unfair, but if you’re willing to persevere, there are few games that can compete in terms of raw gameplay. It’s often the small victories within the battle that prove to be the most rewarding, for example, capturing an enemy tank with a group of Snipers. Perhaps more rewarding still is stealing an enemy factory just before it manufactures a Mobile Missile Launcher.  

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Above & below: My group of Snipers will have no trouble capturing that short-range defence gun.

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It would appear that Z ticks all the right boxes; not only is it great fun to play, but it performs well in terms of its audio and visuals. However, with only 20 single-player levels, Z isn’t the biggest of game of all time. It could be argued that due to its difficultly level, and the fact that the AI makes each battle unique, 20 levels is more than enough. However, I disagree, and can fully understand why The Bitmap Brothers later released the Expansion Kit. With 35 levels, a multiplayer level editor, and Windows support, the Z Expansion Kit is the package The Bitmap Brothers should have released the first time around. The original Z included a multiplayer mode, but realistically, most people wouldn’t have had LAN support back in 1996. The Expansion Kit gave Z modem support, which meant that multiplayer mode was much more accessible to regular gamers.

There would be no point in reviewing this game if it wasn’t still available to play and experience. After you’ve bought your second-hand copy from eBay, you shouldn’t have any problems installing it, providing you own a Windows 95/98 PC. If, however, you’re running a 64-bit operating system, the DOS-based Z installer will not work. To get around this problem, you will need to download a free copy of DOSBox. Through DOSBox you can install Z the traditional way using its DOS installer. Once it’s installed it should run as well as it did on a Windows 9X PC. If you want to run the Z Expansion Kit, you’ll need to download the ZXP patch from ZZone, which will allow the installer to work on 32-bit/64-bit operating systems. Again, once it’s installed, it should run correctly; however, you may need to adjust your display settings to 16-bit.

Before I wrap up this review, I feel it’s worth mentioning the unit promotion system. This particular feature is not actually mentioned in the manual, and as far as I can tell, it doesn’t actually work. I’m guessing it was a system that was meant be implemented, but for whatever reason, The Bitmap Brothers decided to abandon it just before the game was released. I’ve played Z a lot, and have never found that a yellow-starred tank is any more successful in battle than a white-starred tank. Had the promotion system been implemented, I’m not sure it would have added anything to the gameplay. It would have probably made the game a lot easier, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.

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Cranes have as much armour as Heavy tanks (for some reason), and can be used to repair broken bridges and buildings.

Despite a few minor issues, Z remains a top-notch RTS game. With such a strong focus on gameplay, The Bitmap Brothers have managed to create a timeless classic. The modding community proves that gamers are still enjoying this wonderful title today. Z’s genius lies in its simplicity; Steel Soldiers wasn’t anywhere near as good as its predecessor because it was needlessly-complicated. There were far too many units which did far too many things. Steel Soldiers might have been ahead its time in terms of its graphics, but Z worked fine with its isometric viewpoint and its two-dimensional sprites; it didn’t need fancy 3D polygon whatnots. It’s as if The Bitmap Brothers completely misunderstood what made the original game so appealing. We didn’t like Z because it looked better than Command & Conquer; we liked it because it offered a more enjoyable gaming experience.

Score: 8.5/10 – One of the most enjoyable RTS games EVER.

RH

Developer(s)	The Bitmap Brothers
Publisher(s)	Renegade G / Virgin Interactive
Price(s)	eBay fixed price – £10 – £15 (used) Also available on PS1. Prices start at £15;it’s pretty rare, though.

Mass Effect 3 N7 Collector’s Edition – Xbox 360 (2012)

Mass Effect 3 N7 Collector’s Edition

This is not a review of Mass Effect 3, but rather, the contents of the collector’s edition. The video linked below explains why I felt the collector’s edition offered poor value for money.

Here’s a photograph of the N7 Collector’s Edition packaging which lists all the features discussed in the video:

I should have probably mentioned that a SteelBook case is also included in the package. Mind you, if you read the list of contents included in this package, the SteelBook case doesn’t actually get a mention. Perhaps it was supposed to be listed, but for whatever reason, the game was released prematurely before the retail packaging was properly checked. This would certainly be consistent with what happened to the ending.

Anyway, here’s the video:

RH

WWF Royal Rumble – Sega Mega Drive (1993)

WWF Royal Rumble – Sega Mega Drive (1993)

Back in the days before the World Wrestling Federation lost a humiliating court battle with the World Wildlife Fund for Nature (both had been using the ‘WWF’ initials for some time), wrestling held a certain allure for me and my chums. I’ll never quite be able to out my finger on what it was that compelled us to watch improbably large, inappropriately dressed men pretending to fight with one another, though in all fairness the fact that I thought it was entirely real until I was 7 years old probably had something to do with it.

In fact, the moment I found out that WWF wrestling wasn’t real is actually one of the most vivid memories I have from my early childhood. Sat in the classroom, gathered round the teacher, we discussed things that we liked in order to come up with a rhyming poem. Wrestling was mentioned and I’m sure that bitch took pleasure in shattering the innocent illusions of several young children that day. I digress.

My interest in the (then) WWF waned drastically from that point, and by the time this game was released for the Sega Mega Drive, I wasn’t really interested in wrestling any longer. Only by virtue of the fact that a friend of mine remained a huge fan did I encounter this game. What I found was an extremely playable, if limited and somewhat repetitive beat-’em-up, which was a huge step up from my previous experience of a wrestling-based computer game – namely WWF Wrestlemania, released for the Amiga in 1991 which featured only 3 playable characters and an extremely basic game-mode.

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Probably the most immediately impressive aspect of the game was the choice of playable characters available. Where the Wrestlemania I’d owned before it had offered only 3, Royal Rumble had a comparatively huge roster of 12 wrestlers to choose from. Remember that other beat-’em-up or ‘hack-and-slash’ games which were so popular (and rightly so) at the time, such as the Golden Axe or Streets of Rage series’, generally offered no more than 3 or 4 playable characters. It didn’t matter that all of the wrestlers were almost identical (differing only in cosmetic appearance and their signature finishing moves) – young minds are excited by the idea of a wide variety of colourful characters and this probably accounts for wrestling’s popularity amongst the young and the educationally sub-normal. My pals and I had grown accustomed to watching a large cast of protagonists do battle when we tuned in to the wrestling on television, and that’s exactly what we wanted from a wrestling game. Modern day fans of wrestling games would probably scoff at a paltry 12 selectable wrestlers, but at the time this was impressive, and a huge factor in my enjoyment of the game.

The number of characters was just the beginning. WWF Royal Rumble offered what was, at the time, an impressive variety of game modes aswell. Of course there was the bread-and-butter singles match, but tag-team and even triple-tag-team (selecting three players for your team) added a very welcome touch of diversity to the gameplay. Singles and tag-team matches were available to play as either ‘one-fall’ matches, or tournaments which involved battling your way through a series of increasingly-tough opponents in order to be crowned WWF champion(s). The ‘tournament’ set-up was nothing new and has probably existed in every wrestling game ever made, but there’s no denying the satisfaction gained from working one’s way up the rankings before finally achieving the pinnacle of the WWF.

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Matches are introduced by an imaginative ‘magazine’

 

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Er, the same magazine is also able to report the results of the match, aswell.

The main event, however, is quite literally the eponymous Royal Rumble match. Available in single or two player, you choose your character and get thrown in at the deep end right at the beginning of the Royal Rumble. Opponents will enter the ring at regular intervals, until a maximum of 6 are in the ring at any one time (at which point a new opponent will only enter once somebody is eliminated). There are no pin-falls, disqualifications or count-outs – the only way to win is eliminate all of your opponents by tossing them out of the ring. Obviously, the main attraction of this mode is having a relatively large number of characters in the ring at any one time but the real fun comes in attempting to set and beat records for the fastest overall victory, and for having eliminated the greatest number of opponents (you’ll be given a nice little summary of timings and eliminations after the match). Also comforting to know is that, if you’re shit and manage to get yourself eliminated, you’re not ‘out’ – you’ll take control of the next wrestler to enter the fray. There’s a pleasing number of ways to eliminate an opponent, aswell – throwing or body-slamming an opponent from the ‘grapple’ position, ‘hip tossing’ a running opponent, or if someone has been daft enough to clamber to the top rope, knocking them off from there. It’s easily the best game-mode that this title has to offer.

 

Let’s get ready to (Royal) Rumble!

Worth mentioning is that all game modes allow the player to select the level of difficulty, from 1 – 10, before starting the match. In theory this is a nice touch, catering for anything from your average competent gamer, to your cognitively-challenged beginner, although if you’re like me you won’t bother selecting anything other than 10.

So what about the gameplay, then? Previous titles in the WWF series, such as the aforementioned Wrestlemania, had been cumbersome and less than satisfying as game playing experiences. Royal Rumble is much-improved from the earlier, unsophisticated titles, meaning it’s one of few early wrestling titles that actually remain playable to this day. Royal Rumble uses the ‘tug-of-war’ system which, I understand, still exists to some extent in modern-day games. This had first been used in 1992’s Super Wrestlemania, released for the SNES and Mega Drive and provides a solid basis for ‘grappling’, which is where the majority of the moves come from. Essentially, tapping your button(s) quicker than your opponent during a grapple will result in your character executing his move, to the exclusion of the other player. In two-player mode this becomes a battle between you and your mate to see who has the nimbler fingers, or who has developed the most efficient way of mashing buttons (remember International Track & Field?). In single-player mode grappling success will depend on the difficulty level you’ve selected – playing at an easy level will result in grapples rarely being lost, and in theory this becomes more difficult as you move up the difficulty scale. Grappling does, though, highlight a troubling repetitiveness with the game, since all 12 players have identical moves which are performed in exactly the same way – everyone body slams, suplexes and throws their opponents into the ropes in exactly the same way, and there’s no accounting for the relative size or real-life attributes of your character. There’s also the usual array of ‘running moves’ like dropkicks and clotheslines, as well as an ability to perform top-rope manoeuvres.

Aside from the way the characters look, the only gameplay difference between them is the ‘finishing move’ which they can perform once an opponent has been weakened sufficiently. Wrestling fans will be familiar with the ‘finishing move’ – a signature of the particular wrestler, performed towards the end of a match and generally one from which an opponent will not recover. These moves act in much the same way here – performing one will result in any remaining health being decimated, leaving your opponent prone and ready to be pinned, and generally no amount of button-mashing will turn the tide. Performing one of these moves will draw a cheer from the crowd, aswell, which is nice.

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‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage’s finishing move is performed from the top rope. Needless to say, that was the end of ‘Crush’

 

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Bret Hart’s finishing move looks like a sex act. It’s effective, though.

There are a few nice touches to the game which add to the overall experience – little things like having the referee present during the fight, and being able to kick the shit out of him aswell, although you’re then unable to win (or lose) the match until he’s recovered.

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The Narcissist and IRS getting it on while the referee’s back is turned

You can see from the screen shots above that the commentators, although they play no active role and provide no actual commentary, are visible in the background. ‘Mean Gene’ also makes an appearance at the end of matches, raising the hand of the victorious combatant. Small inclusions like this are the type of thing which titillated me and my fellow youngsters and added a hint of realism, so far as any degree of realism is possible once your dreams have been shattered by a bitter, cruel and fucking heartless bitch of a primary school teacher.. Ahem, er, anyway… yes, er, realism.

You’re also provided with the option of taking things outside the ring, should you wish. Throw your opponent out of the ring in single or tag-team matches and, not only will you do him a bit of damage, you’ll also be able to follow him and make use of the infamous ‘steel chair’. Don’t stay out there too long, mind, or you’ll be counted out! Your team mate will get involved aswell, which can prove helpful. You’ll also need to watch out for getting too close to your opponent’s non-active tag team member standing outside the ropes – if you’re within reach he’ll choke the shit out of you.

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A tag-team match gets out of hand, resulting in IRS falling victim to a levitating chair

 

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Papa Shango with a characteristically underhand move

Graphically, WWF Royal Rumble wasn’t a groundbreaker. The visuals are smooth and the different characters look good, which is important since aside from their appearance they’re all essentially the same bloke. The sound is nothing to shout about either – a nice touch is that hovering on a particular wrestler’s profile at the character-select screen will result in a tinny version of their theme music being played but the in-game effects are limited to grunts and noises from the crowd, before the customary “1, 2, 3” of the referee when a pin is made. The best you can say is that the sound is adequate, which for a wrestling title is all you’d really look for anyway.

WWF Royal Rumble won’t be remembered as one of the great beat-’em-up titles, but equally it’s a competent little game which comes into its own when played in multiplayer mode with a competitive friend. As a single-player experience, it’s limited and once you’ve mastered the art of eliminating Royal Rumble opponents and exhausted the other game modes, ensuring that you master each player’s signature move along the way, there’s not a lot to keep you coming back for more and the lifespan is therefore, sadly, very restricted. A simple way that the developers could have prolonged the life and appeal of the game would have been to make characters play differently – different moves and styles would have been nice, and in all honesty it seems like laziness in some respects. When you consider that earlier wrestling titles featured small but interesting gameplay dynamics (in the earliest WWF Wrestlemania title, released for the NES in 1988, only Hulk Hogan had the ability to body slam Andre the Giant, and the physically bigger wrestlers couldn’t pull off certain moves), this is one of the more disappointing aspects of Royal Rumble. I’ve already covered the fact that the wrestlers all play identically to one another, but the developers couldn’t even be bothered to distinguish the characters physically, either. The character biographies at the select screen give details of physical attributes.. Height, weights etc. Yet when you get down to business in the ring there’s no height difference between the 6’0 Shawn Michaels and the 6’10 Undertaker. Similarly, characters who, in real life, were fat, are as lean and chiselled as their colleagues in this game. It’s laziness, pure and simple – the fact that the characters are only different in the most superficial of details (hair colour and clothing) is a real let-down and unfortunately is a contributing factor to the game having relatively little replay value. Where, usually, I might conclude with a brief run-down of who the best characters are / who the toughest opponents might be, I can’t do that here because of some fairly basic omissions from the gameplay.

A briefly enjoyable, but ultimately very limited, wrestling title which, whilst making some leaps forward from its predecessors, also takes some bewildering and frustrating steps backwards aswell. The game feels rushed, and will hold very little appeal for people who don’t have an interest in wrestling nostalgia… which is almost everybody.

Score: 5/10

 

MS

Developer(s)	Sculptured Software
Publisher(s)	LJN Flying Edge
Price(s)	eBay auction – £1 – £3 eBay fixed price – £5 – £20 (used) Also available on Super Nintendo for around the same price range.

A guide to buying second-hand videogames, consoles and hardware on eBay

A guide to buying second-hand videogames, consoles and hardware on eBay

This guide is aimed at consumers who’re sick and tired of getting ripped off on eBay. My aim here is to try and illustrate how tricksy traders can sell you absolute rubbish whilst staying within the guidelines of eBay’s trading policy.

Avoid ‘Buy it Now’

Sellers opt for ‘Buy it Now’ for a number of reasons.

1)      A seller’s ‘Buy it Now’ price will no doubt be over-inflated due to eBay’s 10% final value fee. Often, sellers will try and compensate for the final value fee by adding an extra 10% onto their ‘Buy it Now’ price. Similarly, the ‘Buy it Now’ price is likely to include the seller’s extra postage and packaging charges (that eBay wouldn’t permit).

2)      Sellers who use ‘Buy it Now’ are usually aware of how much an item is worth, so you’re unlikely to be getting a bargain buying from them.

3)      ‘Buy it Now’ auctions are often used for a quick sale or to get rid of something without losing too much money on it. If the seller isn’t willing to risk an item at auction, it’s probably because the item’s not particularly valuable.

Be wary of low-resolution photographs

Using a low-resolution photo can hide a multitude of flaws in a product. Scratches, dents and blemishes can all be hidden on a low-resolution photograph.

Photos taken in low-light conditions can also help mask cosmetic wear. Sellers of white Nintendo products will often use a low light photo to hide any ‘yellowing’ the item may have. If you’re buying a NES, SNES of classic Game Boy, ask to see a photograph of the product taken in the daylight.

If you’re dubious about a photograph, contact the buyer and request additional pictures.

Be wary of single photographs

If you’re looking to buy a boxed item, and there’s only one angle of the box depicted in the photograph, chances are the seller’s picked the most attractive angle so as to hide the flawed sides. Always ask to see additional photographs of every possible angle of the product that you intend to purchase.

Be wary of ‘boxed’ items

For me, a boxed item should contain all the original packaging, including the inserts and plastic bags. If this isn’t mentioned in the description, or it’s not pictured in the photograph, there’s a good chance that the ‘boxed’ item only includes the outer-packaging.

Be wary of item condition categories

eBay has 6 separate categories of item condition in which sellers can place their product: New, New other, Manufacturer refurbished, Seller refurbished, Used, For parts or not working. See the link below for eBay’s official definitions:

http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/sell/contextual/condition_1.html

eBay also offers five sub-categories for an item’s condition: New, Like New, Very Good, Good, Acceptable. Again, see the link below for eBay’s official definitions:

http://pages.ebay.co.uk/help/sell/contextual/condition_7.html

If an item is listed in the ‘used’ category, and the condition isn’t mentioned, make sure you’re aware of eBay’s definition of ‘used’:

An item that has been previously used.  The item may have some signs of cosmetic wear, but is fully operational and functions as intended. This item may be a floor model or an item that has been returned to the seller after a period of use.

This means that if the item looks good in the photo, but has been placed in this category, you shouldn’t be surprised if you receive it with signs of cosmetic wear.  If you complain that your product’s arrived in poor condition, the seller will tell you where to go, as the item will have been placed in the correct category.

The more honest sellers will use the condition sub-categories. For example, if the item is advertised in ‘acceptable’ condition, expect it to be as such. Similarly, if they’ve used the ‘like new’ category, the item should arrive in ‘like new’ condition; otherwise the seller will be misleading the buyer, and therefore violating eBay’s trading policy.

Be wary of unclear item descriptions and the use of stock photos

Often, what’s not said in the advert is just as important as what’s mentioned in the description. Here’s a good example of an advert to avoid:

You are bidding on Super Mario 64 game for Nintendo 64.

Good working order.

Thanks for looking.

The item description doesn’t mention whether or not the game includes a box or an instruction manual. “Good working order” does not mean ‘good condition’; it just means it works properly. It could be scratched and dented, but as long as it functions on every power-up, it’s in “good working order.” Take note of the ‘stock photo’ as provided by eBay. That’s not a photograph of the actual item; so again, don’t expect the prodcut to look like the stock photo.

Be wary of poor spelling, grammar and punctuation

Here’s an example of a poorly-written advert:

NITENDO GAMECUBE 4 SALE  – ABOSULTELY MINT MATE

READY TO PLUG AND PLAY

AVE INCLUDED A GAME 2 GET U STARTED

PROPER QUALITY MACHINE !!!!!!!!

This type of brash, in-your-face sales pitch should be avoided at all costs. There’s a good chance that this console is owned by a dishonest chav who’s not looked after it properly. It’s probably stolen, too, which means it won’t include any of the original packaging.

Instead of an accurate description we’re given an inane sales pitch: not only is it a “quality machine,” but the seller’s doing us a huge favour by including a game so we’re “ready to plug and play.” It’s all nonsense. These types of ‘descriptions’ are just a means of diverting your attention from the fact they’re selling a crap item in poor condition.

Are you buying the genuine article?

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If you search eBay for Game Boy Advance or Nintendo DS games, you’ll have no doubt come across a number of ‘factory sealed’ copies being sold by Chinese sellers. If a factory sealed DS game is only £1.99, and your seller’s location is China, the item is likely to be counterfeit and the seller should be reported to eBay. Genuine EU Nintendo factory sealed items will use official Nintendo print on the outer cellophane:

If this print is absent from a ‘sealed game’, it is 100% fake. Again, be wary of ‘stock’ photos which don’t show the actual product you’re buying. Make sure you’re aware of what the EU or North American packaging looks like before purchasing any DS or GBA game. This can be done by cross-referencing the advert with videogame retailer’s websites or another (trusted) seller’s advert.

Interestingly, I’ve bought fakes from both Amazon and Play.com’s merchant sellers. Both DS and GBA games are region free, which means you shouldn’t be afraid of buying them outside of the EU. I’d recommend purchasing DS and GBA games from North American sellers, as you’re likely to get the same EU games for a much better price.

Be wary of feedback ratings

I’ve bought a number of items from alleged top-rated sellers on eBay which have arrived in poor condition. The problem with the feedback system is that most people are too frightened to leave negative feedback in case they receive the same in retaliation. There are plenty of sellers who’ve mislead potential customers, but have gotten away with it because their buyer was too frightened to leave the villain negative feedback.

To avoid buying an unsatisfactory product from a ‘power seller’, my advice is to view the other items they have for sale. If all their goods appear to be in mint condition and include accurate descriptions, you can assume the item you’re buying will be in a similar state. It’s not an exact science I know, but no matter what you buy on eBay, you’re always running the risk of being conned by someone.

Don’t necessarily avoid sellers with a small number of feedback ratings. If these sellers are new to the online marketplace, they might be naïve enough to sell an amazing item at a rock bottom price. It’s highly unlikely, but it’s worth considering!

Conclusion

Whilst eBay is home to countless crooks looking to profiteer from naïve bidders, there are also plenty of honest traders who use it to sell genuinely decent items. If enough consumers are equipped with the necessary knowledge to shop safely on eBay, the dishonest merchants will soon be put of business. Here’s to hoping for a better future (shopping on eBay).

 

RH

Streets of Rage – Sega Mega Drive (1991)

Streets of Rage – Sega Mega Drive (1991)

Ah yes, the early ‘90s, a period of economic depression and political correctness. Education reforms would see children taught lessons in gender equality and racial awareness alongside the traditional school curriculum. It wasn’t just the education authorities who wanted to help eradicate societal prejudices; the mainstream media had also adopted a more politically-correct approach to broadcasting. By employing a more ethnically-diverse range of actors and personalities, television companies hoped to reach out to a wider audience. Instead of television productions portraying the conservative monoculture of yesteryear, this new media would reflect a modern, multiracial society in which all colours and creeds live harmoniously. This new liberal ideology even began to have an impact on videogames, too.

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Moving onto Streets of Rage, this title appeared to be a videogame that was very much in tune with the political agenda of the time. Unlike ‘80s beat-em-ups such as Final Fight – in which playable characters were limited to white, heterosexual males – Streets of Rage allowed players to choose black, female and (possible) homosexual fighters. This was clearly a step in the right direction for game developers, as it proved they were trying to reach out to a more diverse demographic.

 

Streets of Rage broke new ground with its interracial homosexual relationships.

Unfortunately, rather than representing previously excluded groups, these characters only appeared to perpetuate negative stereotypes. In brief, Adam, the black male, can jump higher than the white male. Axel, the white man, can’t jump. And the female, as gender stereotypes would dictate, is much weaker than her male counterparts. In fact, it’s entirely possible that the feeble female was only included as eye candy for the adolescent male audience:

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She is quite good-looking, though. When I first started up a game of Streets of Rage (back in 1992), I actually played as Blaze, because as an adolescent male, I thought she looked rather sexually-alluring. At the time, Streets of Rage sprites looked pretty realistic too, which meant I probably wasn’t the only one who wanted to shunt her. Anyway, if Sega were serious about promoting gender equality, they’d have dressed Blaze in trousers and given her strength to match the males. Unfortunately, this Blaze would not only enforce negative gender stereotypes, but offer pubescent males (and females) unrealistic expectations of what the adult female form should look like.

Above: This is actual game footage.

Of course, in terms of gender equality, Streets of Rage is still a huge jump from the classic ‘80s side-scrollers. The goody females in both Final Fight and Double Dragon are useless damsels who’re at the mercy of the baddies unless the strong male protagonists can rescue them.

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Left: Double Dragon. Right: Final Fight.

At least in Streets of Rage your female character is strong enough to help you beat the game. I was probably a bit harsh on Blaze when I said she was weak and feeble. Yes, it takes a lot longer for her to kill anyone, but she’s got an excellent reach and superb speed. Anyway, now that I’ve addressed the important political issues linked to this game, I can start reviewing Streets of Rage properly.

Streets of Rage is a side-scrolling beat-em-up not to dissimilar to Final Fight released a couple of years earlier. Final Fight was a superb game, but unfortunately it wouldn’t be ported to (PAL) home consoles until 1992. This meant that there was a gap in the market for a decent side-scroller (seeing as the NES Double Dragon games were crap). So, in 1991, Sega filled this void with the first instalment of their Streets of Rage series.

The game’s plot can be summarised in one sentence: three ex-cops take justice into their own hands in an attempt to bring down a crime syndicate run by Mr. X. The story, whilst not particularly imaginative, serves as a warning of things to come. The odds of three vigilantes taking on an entire crime syndicate are very unfavourable – especially when they’re only armed with their fists. It’s time to introduce these brave souls and assess their combat competencies.

Axel, who sports a pair of Sega sneakers, appears to be the main protagonist in Streets of Rage. He’s very strong and super quick, but his inability to jump means his flying kick move is virtually useless. Because he can finish off most enemies with just a few blows, he’s definitely one of the better characters of the trio.

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Adam, who wears a pair of tight leather trousers, is as slow as he is strong. What he lacks in speed he more than makes up for in his jumping abilities. His flying kick is probably the best move in the game as it covers a huge distance and causes maximum damage. He’s also got a decent reach, which means he can hit enemies before they’ve had a chance to start fighting. I’d say Adam is probably a character for beginners, as his flying kick move can usually resolve most difficult combat situations.

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Blaze, the girl, has excellent reach and speed, but suffers from a lack of raw power. She’s probably the most difficult character to master, as you’ve got to make use of her skill to compensate for the lack of strength.

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Watch out for the hydraulic press!

Once you’ve picked your street brawler, the aim of game is to fight your way through 8 long(ish) rounds. What’s immediately noticeable about Streets of Rage is just how small the sprites are. Compared to Final Fight, they look really underwhelming. Because the enemy sprites move so quickly, they often look completely detached from the ground they’re supposed to be stood on. On the plus side, there are no frame-rate issues as a result of all the fast movement on screen. Despite their size, the sprites mainly look decent and it’s (usually) obvious what they’re supposed to represent. However, some examples are a little ambiguous:

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Above: I’m still unsure what that freak in the yellow is supposed to be wearing.

Below: I have no idea what any of those objects are supposed to be.

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What’s slightly disappointing is just how lazy the developers have been with regards to the boss sprites. Rather than come up with a new boss for Round 5, the developers have reused Blaze’s sprite instead:

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Left: Axel’s in for a treat. Right: Axel got more than he bargained for.

In keeping with this lack of imagination, Round 6’s boss is exactly the same as Round 2’s boss, but this time it’s been duplicated. There aren’t actually that many regular enemy sprites, either. Again, instead of creating new enemy sprites for the latter rounds, Sega have simply recycled the existing sprites and rendered them a different colour. It’s all very lazy.

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The in-game environments on the whole actually look very good. What’s particularly positive is just how detailed the backgrounds are. For example, in Round 1, the neon lights surrounding the shops are constantly switching on and off in different patterns. Not only does this look good but it adds an extra level of realism to the game. This extra level of realism is needed, because unfortunately, the artwork on the whole looks too cartoonish. The Mega Drive is certainly capable of superior visuals, but of course better graphics doesn’t necessarily mean better gameplay. Perhaps the only real negative issue with the graphics, or at least, the graphics memory, is that when there are too many sprites on screen, things begin to disappear. There are a few instances when this will occur, especially if the game’s set to hardest (which it should be).

What happened to Blaze’s lower body?

Speaking of difficulty, let’s move onto the most important aspect of this classic side-scroller – the gameplay. Streets of Rage is by no means a difficult game; in fact, on most settings it’s a relatively easy game. It’s unlikely to take anyone any more than a couple of hours to complete the entire game. This is not to say you won’t enjoy your limited amount of play time. It’s certainly good fun clearing the city streets of unruly yobs with your fists and occasional melee weapon. As well as punching bad guys to death, there are also kicking, throwing and butting moves at your disposal.

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The moveset isn’t vast but it’s definitely an improvement on Double Dragon and Final Fight. The use of melee weapons (knives, bats, pipes etc.) isn’t anything new, but the specials in this game are certainly original. If you manage to get yourself stuck in tight spot, you can call one of your cop buddies for back-up. Your police pal will fire a rocket-propelled grenade into your combat zone with the intention of eliminating all enemies on screen. There’s a limitation (of one per life) on how many of these specials you’ll be able to use. I’m not sure the special attack is necessarily a good feature as it takes away a certain level of difficulty, particularly when it comes to fighting bosses.

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It was fortunate that police vehicles were stationed on this boat.

If you find Streets or Rage isn’t particularly challenging, there are two ways of improving the level of difficulty. The first and most obvious way of increasing the difficulty is to simply change the setting on the options menu. ‘Hardest’ will prove a challenge for most players, but with 3 continues, it’s still relatively simple to finish the game in this mode. The second way to increase the difficulty is to beat the game with the aim of achieving a high score. This means that the player will have to complete the entire game without using any continues, and thus maintaining the highest possible score. Of course, this was probably more relevant when magazines (with particular reference to Mean Machines) devoted pages of their publication to player’s high scores.

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Axel literally shits himself at the prospect of fighting these 7 punks.

The Streets of Rage soundtrack features some of the best video game music of the early ‘90s. The fusion of techno beats and urban melodies suits the environments perfectly. What’s particularly interesting about the music is how it seems to set the pace of the gameplay. For example, during Round 5, the BGM is played at a speedy tempo which reflects the fast-paced action on-screen. Similarly in Round 6, the music matches the much slower-pace of gameplay. The music of Streets of Rage really is excellent and it’s not at all surprising that the composer is credited on the title screen. In terms of sound effects, Streets of Rage sounds like any other Sega game of the early ’90s. In fact, a lot of sound effects seem to have been recycled from Revenge of Shinobi.

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Left: Round 7 is great fun. Right: Attempting to throw boss 4 can be a costly mistake.

There’s no denying that Streets of Rage is good fun, but as a single player game it loses its appeal after a couple of plays. To extend the game’s lifespan Sega have included a 2-player mode. As well as there being more enemies in this mode, both players can team up to perform a special throwing move. Unfortunately, because players aren’t immune from each other’s attacks, accidents will happen frequently. These mishaps can prove both entertaining and annoying.

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It’s time to wrap up this review and reiterate some of the main points. There’s a lot to like about Streets of Rage; there can be no denying that in terms of gameplay this is a truly excellent title. As well as some decent visuals, the game’s soundtrack is absolutely brilliant. In 2-player mode, Streets of Rage offers an absolutely mind-blowing multiplayer gaming experience. Of course, this is not to say that Streets of Rage doesn’t have its problems. Perhaps the main issue I have with this game is its limited lifespan. Not only is it a relatively small game but it’s not particularly challenging either. There’s also the issue of seemingly lazy development; I get the feeling that a lot of this game was rushed. Not only are a lot of the sound effects borrowed from other Sega games, but enemy sprites within the game are constantly reused and dressed up as something different. You can’t help but wonder how good this game could have been if more time was spent on its development.

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The only way to achieve a ‘bad ending’ is if player 1 chooses ‘yes’ and player 2 selects ‘no’.

In terms of social progression it’s hard to say whether the inclusion of black and female playable characters helped Sega broaden their customer demographic. Perhaps it’s not actually relevant ‘who’ you play as; I can’t imagine that too many people objected to buying Sonic because they didn’t want to play as a blue hedgehog. Providing the characters are original, and they suit their surroundings, it’s not important what colour or gender they are. The characters in Streets of Rage are well-suited to their environment, and this helps contribute towards an excellent overall gaming experience. It might not be the most sophisticated game of all time, but for a couple of days at least, it’s still one of the most enjoyable.

Score: 7/10

RH

Developer(s)	Sega AM7
Publisher(s)	Sega
Price(s)	eBay auction – £5 – £10 (used) eBay fixed price – £15 – £20 (used) Wii Virtual Console – 600 points Available as part of Ultimate Mega Drive Collection. Approx. £10 – £15 new for XBox 360 & PS3.

Fable II – Xbox 360 (2008) – a response to MS’ review

I never played the original Fable. That fact is, hopefully, a good thing (for the purposes of this review) – it means I won’t be constantly comparing the game to its predecessor, whining that certain bits have gone, that it “isn’t a true sequel”, and so on and so forth.

I didn’t buy the game when it came out, either, and didn’t bother reading any reviews. So when I saw the game on sale for the low low price of £10, I thought to myself “here’s a great opportunity to review a game for the website, without knowing anything about it or having my opinion tainted by a pre-existing attitude toward the series, and without running the risk of spending £35 on a game that could turn out to be shit”.

Unlike MS, I have played the original Fable, which means I’m likely to be making comparisons between this game and its predecessor. However, for the time being, I feel I should explain why I bothered to buy this game just after its release date. When I bought my Xbox 360 console back in 2007, Amazon were offering Fable II for an extra £20 as part of a promotional package. At the time, this seemed like a steal. The upcoming sequel to Fable was partly the reason why I bought a 360 rather than a PS3, or even a Wii. Bearing this in mind, I had HUGE expectations for this game. I hadn’t read any reviews, but I assumed it would be like the original, only a lot bigger and better.

I took the game home and loaded it up, thinking that I’d bought a standard RPG game. And I had plenty of time to think, aswell, since the loading times involved with this game are fucking horrendous. For a moment I thought I’d gone back in time and booted up ‘Eye of the Beholder’ on my Amiga 1200. In a way you can forgive the loading times – they are fairly infrequent (coming only when you move between ‘areas’ or from the great outdoors into a cave/tomb/etc.) and the game world is fairly big.

MS makes a good point here. One of the most annoying aspects of the original Fable were the needlessly long loading sequences between relatively small areas of the game. I would have expected Molyneux and his cronies to have sorted this needless annoyance by the second game, but obviously, I was asking too much. If you’ve played Oblivion, you’ll wonder why a map the size of Cyrodiil (which is about 300 times larger than any map on Fable II) doesn’t need to be broken up into thousands of little segments, but a land as small as Albion does. It’s fucking frustrating knowing how Bethesda Softworks were willing to push the 360 to its limits, but Molyneux & co. decided to play it safe.

So yes, I thought I’d purchased a Role Playing Game. I was wrong – this game is actually a kind of hybrid between a traditional RPG and something like ‘The Sims’. Depending on your view of ‘The Sims’ this could be a good or bad thing. I think The Sims is wank.

Like MS, I also think The Sims is a load of shite; it’s a game for brain-dead teenage girls who aren’t attractive enough to have a boyfriend. Although the original Fable was classed as an RPG, it was probably closer to an action/adventure game. Although its main focus was on battle, Fable featured interactive elements and the occasional piss-easy puzzle to solve. This game isn’t much different to its predecessor in terms of gameplay, other than the fact it’s a lot easier.

The storyline is, to say the least, fucking daft. You’re an orphan, living on the streets with your sister, and one day decide to buy a magic box from a travelling gypsy salesman. You make a wish, but the box disappears. For some reason the inhabitant of the local castle, ‘Lord Lucien’, gets to know about your box and it turns out you were only able to ‘use’ it because you’re a hero. Lucien attempts to kill you, you’re taken in by a gypsy, and wake up 10(?) years later, ready to begin your revenge quest. Lucien has disappeared, though. It might not sound that daft, but wait until you get to the end of the game.

The storyline doesn’t actually follow on from Fable, which begs the question, why call it ‘Fable II’? It should have been called ‘Another Fable’ or ‘A Less Interesting Fable’. The only continuation is the hero’s cave – which was part of the original hero’s guild – and the name ‘Theresa’, who was the hero’s sister in the original. The tone of Theresa’s voice would suggest that she’s a woman of a similar age to Zoë Wanamaker, who was probably in her late 50s at the time this game was in development. If she is aged 59, she can’t possibly be the Theresa (who was eventually murdered by the evil hero) featured in the original.

From the word ‘go’, the obvious thing is that the graphics are good, in a cartoon kind of way. The world is, for the most part, well-detailed and the lighting effects are good generally. Spells, particularly at the higher levels, look impressive. The second thing that struck me about the game was the quality of the voice-acting. I’m not talking about the ‘celebrity’ actors who they’ve roped in to play various parts, which I think is a fucking stupid idea and ludicrous waste of money, but the general nobodies who play the small, support roles. I’ve frequently played games (the Resident Evil series chief amongst which) where I’ve thought “who the fuck employed these retards to provide voice acting? I could do a better job”. The makers of Fable 2 have managed to find a bunch of people who aren’t educationally sub-normal to do the voice-acting here, which is refreshing.

Although the graphics are decent, everything becomes out of focus when there’s fast movement on screen. At first I thought it was my television not refreshing quick enough, but after I’d replaced it with a 100 Hz model, I realised that it was just poor programming. It’s worth noting that the music featured in Fable II is very good and the sound design in general is decent. MS is right about the voice acting; it’s largely very good. It’s refreshing not just to hear English voices in a video game, but British regional accents also. There’re probably a few too many voice actors from the West Country, but it’s better than some annoying American twat trying to act in a game that was set before the US even existed. Of course, the voice was a highlight of the original game, so I can’t award extra marks for this effort. In fact, I can probably deduct marks, as the voice acting and dialogue in the previous game were a lot more entertaining.

Those who buy Fable 2 hoping for an experience like Oblivion will be disappointed. The synopsis on the box brags of unlimited freedom, moral decisions and the ability to do pretty much whatever you want – good or evil, moral or corrupt, etc. To an extent that’s true, but actually the main quest is a very linear experience, and is over far too quickly. Since playing the game, I’ve read various reviews and spoken to various people about it… “you have to go and explore, ignore the main quest if you want to get your money’s worth”, they say. To me, that’s fucking bollocks and a shit excuse for having a main quest into which insufficient effort has been put. Yes, there are side-quests to complete, but for the most part they’re boring and repetitive. Go to a location, recover an item/kill the monsters and return to the quest-giver. Most quests can be ignored completely without any bearing on the game itself. You may, at first, be conned into thinking that new quests are offered on an almost unlimited basis. After the third time you’ve been asked to go and rid the ‘camp at Bower Lake’ of bandits, however, you’ll realise that they’re the same quests over and over again, and you won’t bother accepting the quests anymore. Aside from the fact that the repetition is boring, you’ll ignore the quests because the only thing you get is ‘renown’ – you become more famous. Being famous in the game can help up to an extent, in that you might get a small discount in shops and it’s easier to get villagers to follow you, but after a while you’ll ask yourself “just how famous do I need to be?”. It’s actually really annoying having villagers follow you round – it makes it almost impossible to steal without being seen, and if they stand in front of the doorway to the building that you’re in, it’s almost impossible to get past them without killing them. The gameplay physics relating to touching or shoving past NPCs are shit, basically.

In virtually every respect Oblivion is a much better game. However, because it has a 5 hour learning curve and is generally a much more difficult game, not many people will ever play it, or at least, play it for more than half an hour. Fable II on the other hand is piss easy and can be completed even by the most unintelligent gamer. The key selling points of the game MS quotes in the above paragraph apply to Oblivion much more accurately than they do to Fable II. Oblivion has a main quest, but its side quests are much longer and much more interesting then the majority of Fable II. I’m trying hard not to compare this game to Oblivion, but one of the biggest problems with Fable II is the fact Oblivion exists (and it can be bought at a much lower price). And yes, as MS notes, ‘renown’ is silly and the side quests are repetitively pointless.

Other mindless features have been put into the game to flesh it out, such as the ability to gamble your gold away on various mini-games. There’s no skill involved to any of them, as you might expect from gambling, but as a result they’re just no fun. Why switch on a game in order to play a gambling mini-game when you can just go on the internet and do it properly? Not only that, but the tiny amounts of gold that you do (very occasionally) win are stupidly insignificant when compared with the time it takes.

Agreed. Mini-games like the ones featured in Fable II are rarely fun. Perhaps the RPG that did mini-games best was Shenmue. Instead of some shit card games, Shenmue actually included two arcade classics (Hang-On & Space Harrier) which could be accessed by visiting the arcade in Dobuita. Shenmue II included Afterburner II and Out Run as well.

Money is another issue which, for various reasons, is a fucking annoying part of the game. The main problem is that the activities for which you’d expect to receive the most money (theft, bounty-hunting, assassination etc) are pathetically rewarded in Fable 2. The honest jobs, however, pay ridiculously handsomely. It makes no sense at all that you can earn hundreds (even thousands, with a bit of patience) of gold by pulling a pint, when the cost of beer in the taverns is much less than that. It’s so glaringly obvious that this doesn’t add up, that it’s hard not to be cynical and suggest that the ‘jobs’ (which are basically mind-numbing ‘mini games’) have only been included in the game to keep you occupied for a bit longer, keep you from whizzing through the main quest in a matter of a few hours and ultimately keep you from moaning about the game being a waste of money.

The banalities don’t end there. Items in the blacksmith can cost thousands of gold – but try buying the most expensive item and then robbing the till, and you’ll get 70 gold, every time. It’s not possible to steal actual weapons, either, despite the fact they’re hanging on the wall.

As MS discusses, earning gold is fucking annoying. I spend enough hours of my life performing mundane tasks for money; I don’t expect to have to do the same during my recreational time. Earning a decent amount of money in the original Fable involved slaughtering entire villages, purchasing their property, and collecting rent from tenants. Slaughtering entire villages was great fun, but the latter tasks were rather tedious. Of course, such tasks are preferred to pulling pints and chopping wood. I felt inclined to purchase every property in Fable II for the sake of completeness. This is actually a good feature of the game, as it was slightly frustrating not being able to own everything in the original. Earning enough capital to own every property requires you to devote hours of your life to the mini-games. Of course, the other option is to simply leave your game switched on all day so you can automatically collect your tenant’s rent. If all the fucking about trying to earn a living is removed, the game’s lifespan is cut down significantly. MS was right to be cynical about the developer’s underhand programming; there’s less than 5 hours raw gameplay.

Fable 2 is a game that promises a lot, and had a lot of potential. Unfortunately, most aspects of the game are too shallow to be rewarding, and there is basically nothing in the game you could describe as original or ground-breaking. By way of reference, most of the gameplay features in Fable 2 which people have been orgasming about, can actually be found in games that were released 10 years ago. The comparator that kept springing to mind during my Fable 2 experience was Might and Magic 6: The Mandate of Heaven (hereafter referred to as“MM6“). A game which was released in 1998, and which was not particularly advanced back then either.

Yes.

Your decisions in the game affect the way villagers react to you? Already been done in MM6. Certain side-quests and abilities will only become available to you depending on how ‘good’ or ‘evil’ you are rated? Already been done in MM6. I could go on… and whilst it’d be unreasonable to expect any game to introduce a load of original aspects, the annoying thing with Fable 2 was the fact that, not only has it all been done before, but a lot of it has already been done much better, even by games that are over a decade old. An example is the fairly mindless nutrition system in Fable 2. Fairly standard – you buy various items of food/drink in order to replenish health etc. This was done in MM6, and although the selection of food wasn’t anything to shout about (you just bought ‘food’ as opposed to the needlessly large selection of goods in Fable 2), they got it right, since you HAD to eat every now and then, even if you had full health, just to keep from dying, much as you or I do in real life. Moving from locale to locale in MM6 would take a number of days in most cases, and it’d automatically deduct food from your stash in order to keep your party going. If you didn’t have any food, your party would get weak (causing their combat attributes to drop significantly), and eventually die. In Fable 2 however, you’re able to travel around the map, running and fighting etc, for indefinite periods without ever needing to eat or drink. Would that have been so hard to build in to the game? It’s oversights like that which render the rest of the ‘realistic’ aspects of the game pointless.

This game’s certainly not original by any stretch of the imagination. MS picks the example of the Might and Magic series as a set of games which have done everything Fable II was supposed to do. I’m going to give the example of the Elder Scrolls series, with particular reference to Morrowind and Oblivion. I don’t want to repeat MS here, so I won’t.

On the topic of nutrition, you have to eat nothing but fruit or vegetables unless you want your hero to become fat. Eating pies, meat, cheese or chocolate makes you fat, as does drinking beer. OK, so that might happen in real life aswell, but most of us in real life don’t spend every hour of every day sprinting around and fighting. If you did that, you’d expect to be in the shape of your life – not in Fable, if you eat a couple of pies. It’s almost as if there’s some weird vegetarian message being put across in the game – eating vegetables adds to your ‘purity’ aswell, for some fucking stupid reason. Of course, you could always devour a load of celery (which makes you thin), but the whole system feels daft and gets annoying quickly.

One thing that’s annoying about Fable II is how little control you have over modifying your hero’s appearance. For example, you have a choice of playing as either a male or a female hero, but they’re both stock models. On Oblivion, for example, you can change your entire facial structure. If you choose a female hero, and you’re a straight male/gay female, it would be nice if you could change your character’s underwear, or remove it entirely. This is where modding comes into play on the PC version of Oblivion: it’s possible to turn your (female) hero into something out of a BDSM pornographic film. Why can’t you do that on Fable II? They give you the option of stripping the female model down to her underwear, so why not let the player go all the way? We’ve paid forty fucking quid for the fucking game! It’s not a massive problem, but why tease us by suggesting we can fully modify our heroes? And on the subject of censorship, why the fuck can’t we kill children? It makes no sense that if you were dark and twisted enough to slaughter an entire village, you’d spare the children. You’d fucking kill everything in your path. It’s not like if we kill a child on a video game, we’re going to replicate those actions in the real world. If that was the case, we’d all be slaughtering our neighbouring villages, as that’s what we did on Fable II. It’s fucking pointless as well as spineless on the part of the developers.

So, the level of choice when it comes to food is needlessly wide, as described – ranging from mouldy apples to ‘erudite’ blueberry pies. You’re probably thinking “well, if the developers put so much effort into something as trivial as the choice of food, then every aspect of the game must be rich and varied!”. You’re wrong. In a game like this, one of the most important aspects is the variety of creatures that inhabit the game world – specifically the variety of different enemies and monsters you must overcome to progress. Usually, you’ll start off in a game fighting weak enemies, and as the game progresses you’ll encounter ever-more bizarre and fearsome creatures. To some extent that happens in Fable 2 aswell, but it’s nowhere near good enough. There are basically only about 5 different enemies in the whole game, and the vast majority of them are simple ‘bandits’. Enter a cave or graveyard and you’ll inevitably bump into some ‘hollow men’, and probably some ‘hobbes’, which are a kind of disappointing cross between bandits and hollow men, er. Regardless of what they are, they’re all too easy to defeat anyway, so there’s no different challenges to fighting different monsters.

The variety of enemies is a disappointment. For some reason, there seems to be less of a variety than the original game. And yes, there’s not a single enemy that will take more than a minute to vanquish. In Oblivion, a single bandit has a good chance of killing you, and certainly early on in the game, you’ll probably end up fleeing from a lot of battles. It’s good that you can at least kill villagers and guards in Fable II, but this was one of the positive aspects of the original, so I can’t award extra marks.

By far the most interesting enemies in the game are the trolls – you know, the ones that you see on the back of the game packaging and think to yourself “wow, that’s what I’ll be fighting!” – however, there’s only about 3 of them in the whole game, and as with the other enemies in the game, they’re far too easy to defeat. They don’t move, for a start, and all you have to do is shoot them from a distance. You’ll only damage them when their ‘tendrils’ are showing, but it’s just a matter of patience. Their attacks are so slow and cumbersome that the only risk you run is having your dog run mindlessly into the path of a rock or something. It’s a fucking shame, since they’re such a promising enemy.

One of the few places to battle trolls is ‘The Crucible’. The Crucible obviously replaces The Witchwood Arena featured in the first game. For some reason there’s commentary and crowd cheering despite the fact you’re battling in closed caverns. It’s unrealistic and annoying, and nowhere near as good a gaming experience as the original arena battle. It’s also a shame the ‘double team’ element in the latter rounds of the original arena is not featured in this game. Unlike The Witchwood Arena, The Crucible doesn’t feel like an important enough part of the game. I’m guessing it feels so unimportant because it’s far too easy to complete.

What annoys me most when I think about it is, if we inhabit a world in which trolls exist, why not go further and populate the land with a host of other mythical beasts? Goblins, fairies, giants, dragons… you get the picture. Nope, unfortunately the developers seem to have been too preoccupied thinking up different types of pie, and making sure each tombstone in the game has a unique inscription. Again, a massive wasted opportunity. Sorry for having to go back to MM6 again, but Fable 2 could have learned a lot from the huge number of different creatures and monsters in that game (everything from rats and bats, to titans and sea monsters).

Yes, not to mention Oblivion, with its minotaurs, ogres, imps, vampires, skeleton warriors etcetera. This is perhaps a minor issue, but it seems daft that there are no horses in Fable II. There’re fucking stables, but I don’t recall seeing any horses walking around. It’s a pre-industrial fantasy world: how can it not have horses… or er, dragons?

I’ve hinted at it above, but another problem is the easiness of the game. Not only are the quests all straightforward, but all of the enemies, without exception, are too easy to kill. This is because the combat system is basically an exercise in mindless, unimaginative button-mashing. Keep pressing B and you’ll keep twatting the enemies all around you, without giving them an opportunity to hit you back. You’ll learn ‘block’ and ‘counter’ abilities but will never need them. The spells are easily manipulated to making every fight a piece of piss aswell – a simple time-control spell, raise a few dead bodies to fight for you, and bang – the enemies are preoccupied and will leave you alone, allowing you to charge up a powerful fireball spell to wipe them out. Add to all this the fact that it’s actually impossible to die (you can get ‘knocked out’, but even that takes some doing with the wealth of healing potions you’ll have) and it makes for one very easy, and thus unrewarding, game. Combat isn’t the only aspect to the game, of course, but it is something you’ll spend a lot of time doing. If it wasn’t so boring and easy, the game would have greater appeal and replay value.

Mindless button-bashing is fine on a game like Golden Axe, which is effectively just a bash-em-up. Don’t get me wrong, Golden Axe was great fun, but it was a somewhat primitive game. Fable II would be fine if it was a sequel to Golden Axe (III), but Lionhead Studios have dressed this game up as a sophisticated RPG, which it just isn’t. The novelty of bashing civilians over the head with an axe wore off after the first game, so Lionhead really should have done more to improve the combat system, or at least increased the game’s difficulty.

That brings me nicely(ish) onto the dog.  This is another one of the features of the game that people wank on about… “you get really attached to the little fella!”.. “your dog’s appearance changes depending on how evil or good you are!”. Actually, only the colour changes (light if you’re good, black if you’re evil. The dog is supposed to help you out in a number of ways – most significantly treasure-hunting and fighting. The treasure-hunting aspect is fine – he’ll find chests if you somehow manage to miss them yourself, and will find ‘dig-spots’ where you can unearth (usually) meagre items or small amounts of gold. The fighting element is poorly executed, though. The idea is that your dog will finish off the enemies that you knock down, but it doesn’t happen like that. The dog usually just ignores the enemies and runs round aimlessly, invariably getting injured (he can’t die either) and needing a healing ‘dog elixir’. Your dog elixir is bottomless, which is a good job since the dog will get injured in most fights. The idea of a companion is good in a way, but in this instance the dog just becomes an annoyance.

Animal companions had their use in the Donkey Kong Country series. In order to complete those games, you’d need to team up with your animal buddy to bypass certain obstacles. In this game, as MS points out, your animal companion is rather useless. The dog’s actually quite a good idea, but it’s not been executed properly. Firstly, it would have been exciting if you could customise your dog (change the breed, for example), or even choose your own species to act as your companion. Secondly, it would have been useful if you could assign special moves to the dog, like you would a Pokémon. So, for example, you could assign a ‘flame thrower’ move to your dog which it could use in battle to help defeat opponents. Of course, they’d have to have made the opponents difficult for this to be worthwhile. The dog is a fun idea, but for me, it’s more of a wasted opportunity. After a while, its constant barking and heavy breathing will become grating. Of course, this would not have been an issue if we were given the option of killing it.

As stated above, the main quest is too short in this game. The ‘choices’ between good and evil you make are merely superficial – you always end up in the same place and pursuing the same ending whether you’re good or evil. You can choose between 3 different endings (there’s no special requirements to unlock any of the three – just a straight choice after you ‘defeat’ the final ‘boss’), but again, their effect is merely superficial and don’t really affect the way you continue to play the game (which you can do, once the main quest is completed).

The only good endings are the ones that allow you to continue the game without your shitting dog. Of course, once you’ve completed the main quest, you won’t feel like playing Fable II for a good few months… or ever again, actually.

Right, my final point – the final boss, or lack thereof. The storyline of the game is one of revenge, against ‘Lucien’, who in the time between murdering your sister and the end of your quest, has become (apparently) hugely powerful. You’d be expecting, therefore, a huge showdown at the end of the game, a fight to the death with a destructive monster, or at the very least a monster representing a bigger challenge than the rest of the enemies in the game. You get neither – rather, you’re presented with a bizarre interactive cut-scene, in which you’re a child again. The weird magic music box from earlier inexplicably shows up again, and you’re transported magically to Lucien’s tower (now back as an adult – yes, it‘s fucking mindless). You don’t fight him though – just hold A to use the music box on him! Don’t worry, he won’t fight back. The box drains his power, then all you need do is shoot him ONCE and he’ll die. Game over. It’s literally the BIGGEST disappointment I’ve ever experienced in a game. It’s on a par, in cinematic terms, with the ludicrous ending from the film adaptation of IT (see review in our film section). It isn’t even a boss, and so the whole thing is a fucking huge anticlimax. Sorry for ruining the ending for those of you who haven’t played it, but it’s a low point of the game anyway, and this is, after all, a no-nonsense review.

The last boss on Fable was actually very good. You finally get to battle the brute responsible for killing your family and burning down your village. The battle itself required the use of all the skills you’ve acquired throughout the game. It’s a lot like a Zelda final boss in that sense, which can only be a good thing. Fable II’s final boss is a fucking joke. I’m not going to repeat MS here, as he’s covered all the key points, but it was like the developers had ran out of time, so didn’t bother to come up with a final boss fight.

Since this isn’t a GCSE essay (although it’s now longer than any I did during my GCSEs, or ‘A‘ levels, or degree), I won’t bother with a ‘summary’ – all the necessary information has already been condensed above. The bottom line is that Fable 2 had huge potential, but doesn’t really pull off any of its various aspects adequately. It’s a big shame and a wasted opportunity. That said, and although I’ve spent the past 3 sides of A4 slagging the game off, I can’t bring myself to give it a really low score. For all its faults, it’s mildly enjoyable and you’ll probably play it more than once, if just for the sake of completeness, making the good decisions first time round and evil the next, or vice-versa. It’s somehow more than the sum of its (mostly shit) parts. Final thought – I’m glad I only paid a tenner for it, and won’t be in a hurry to buy Fable 3 until that’s a tenner aswell.

I’ve spent most of this review discussing the negative aspects of the game, as well as reinforcing some of MS‘ points. This is not say I think the game’s entirely shit. Here’s a list of the game’s highlights:

– I like the idea of becoming a property tycoon.
– I like the idea of being able to slaughter an entire village.
– I like most of the voice acting.
– I like the music.
– Some of the characters in the story are decent, with particular reference to The Commandant and Bob – your Mancunian Spire buddy.
– Combat is occasionally good fun.
– The environments are mainly pleasant to look at.

In conclusion, Fable II is worse than the original, much worse than its rivals, and an overall massive disappointment.

Score: 5/10

Score: 5/10

MS & RH

Fable II – Xbox 360 (2008)

I never played the original Fable. That fact is, hopefully, a good thing (for the purposes of this review) – it means I won’t be constantly comparing the game to its predecessor, whining that certain bits have gone, that it “isn’t a true sequel”, and so on and so forth.

I didn’t buy the game when it came out, either, and didn’t bother reading any reviews. So when I saw the game on sale for the low low price of £10, I thought to myself “here’s a great opportunity to review a game for the website, without knowing anything about it or having my opinion tainted by a pre-existing attitude toward the series, and without running the risk of spending £35 on a game that could turn out to be shit”.

I took the game home and loaded it up, thinking that I’d bought a standard RPG game. And I had plenty of time to think, aswell, since the loading times involved with this game are fucking horrendous. For a moment I thought I’d gone back in time and booted up ‘Eye of the Beholder’ on my Amiga 1200. In a way you can forgive the loading times – they are fairly infrequent (coming only when you move between ‘areas’ or from the great outdoors into a cave/tomb/etc.) and the game world is fairly big.

So yes, I thought I’d purchased a Role Playing Game. I was wrong – this game is actually a kind of hybrid between a traditional RPG and something like ‘The Sims’. Depending on your view of ‘The Sims’ this could be a good or bad thing. I think The Sims is wank.

The storyline is, to say the least, fucking daft. You’re an orphan, living on the streets with your sister, and one day decide to buy a magic box from a travelling gypsy salesman. You make a wish, but the box disappears. For some reason the inhabitant of the local castle, ‘Lord Lucien’, gets to know about your box and it turns out you were only able to ‘use’ it because you’re a hero. Lucien attempts to kill you, you’re taken in by a gypsy, and wake up 10(?) years later, ready to begin your revenge quest. Lucien has disappeared, though. It might not sound that daft, but wait until you get to the end of the game.

From the word ‘go’, the obvious thing is that the graphics are good, in a cartoon kind of way. The world is, for the most part, well-detailed and the lighting effects are good generally. Spells, particularly at the higher levels, look impressive. The second thing that struck me about the game was the quality of the voice-acting. I’m not talking about the ‘celebrity’ actors who they’ve roped in to play various parts, which I think is a fucking stupid idea and ludicrous waste of money, but the general nobodies who play the small, support roles. I’ve frequently played games (the Resident Evil series chief amongst which) where I’ve thought “who the fuck employed these retards to provide voice acting? I could do a better job”. The makers of Fable 2 have managed to find a bunch of people who aren’t educationally sub-normal to do the voice-acting here, which is refreshing.

Those who buy Fable 2 hoping for an experience like Oblivion will be disappointed. The synopsis on the box brags of unlimited freedom, moral decisions and the ability to do pretty much whatever you want – good or evil, moral or corrupt, etc. To an extent that’s true, but actually the main quest is a very linear experience, and is over far too quickly. Since playing the game, I’ve read various reviews and spoken to various people about it… “you have to go and explore, ignore the main quest if you want to get your money’s worth”, they say. To me, that’s fucking bollocks and a shit excuse for having a main quest into which insufficient effort has been put. Yes, there are side-quests to complete, but for the most part they’re boring and repetitive. Go to a location, recover an item/kill the monsters and return to the quest-giver. Most quests can be ignored completely without any bearing on the game itself. You may, at first, be conned into thinking that new quests are offered on an almost unlimited basis. After the third time you’ve been asked to go and rid the ‘camp at Bower Lake’ of bandits, however, you’ll realise that they’re the same quests over and over again, and you won’t bother accepting the quests anymore. Aside from the fact that the repetition is boring, you’ll ignore the quests because the only thing you get is ‘renown’ – you become more famous. Being famous in the game can help up to an extent, in that you might get a small discount in shops and it’s easier to get villagers to follow you, but after a while you’ll ask yourself “just how famous do I need to be?”. It’s actually really annoying having villagers follow you round – it makes it almost impossible to steal without being seen, and if they stand in front of the doorway to the building that you’re in, it’s almost impossible to get past them without killing them. The gameplay physics relating to touching or shoving past NPCs are shit, basically.

Other mindless features have been put into the game to flesh it out, such as the ability to gamble your gold away on various mini-games. There’s no skill involved to any of them, as you might expect from gambling, but as a result they’re just no fun. Why switch on a game in order to play a gambling mini-game when you can just go on the internet and do it properly? Not only that, but the tiny amounts of gold that you do (very occasionally) win are stupidly insignificant when compared with the time it takes.

Money is another issue which, for various reasons, is a fucking annoying part of the game. The main problem is that the activities for which you’d expect to receive the most money (theft, bounty-hunting, assassination etc) are pathetically rewarded in Fable 2. The honest jobs, however, pay ridiculously handsomely. It makes no sense at all that you can earn hundreds (even thousands, with a bit of patience) of gold by pulling a pint, when the cost of beer in the taverns is much less than that. It’s so glaringly obvious that this doesn’t add up, that it’s hard not to be cynical and suggest that the ‘jobs’ (which are basically mind-numbing ‘mini games’) have only been included in the game to keep you occupied for a bit longer, keep you from whizzing through the main quest in a matter of a few hours and ultimately keep you from moaning about the game being a waste of money.

The banalities don’t end there. Items in the blacksmith can cost thousands of gold – but try buying the most expensive item and then robbing the till, and you’ll get 70 gold, every time. It’s not possible to steal actual weapons, either, despite the fact they’re hanging on the wall.

Fable 2 is a game that promises a lot, and had a lot of potential. Unfortunately, most aspects of the game are too shallow to be rewarding, and there is basically nothing in the game you could describe as original or ground-breaking. By way of reference, most of the gameplay features in Fable 2 which people have been orgasming about, can actually be found in games that were released 10 years ago. The comparator that kept springing to mind during my Fable 2 experience was Might and Magic 6: The Mandate of Heaven (hereafter referred to as“MM6“). A game which was released in 1998, and which was not particularly advanced back then either.

Your decisions in the game affect the way villagers react to you? Already been done in MM6. Certain side-quests and abilities will only become available to you depending on how ‘good’ or ‘evil’ you are rated? Already been done in MM6. I could go on… and whilst it’d be unreasonable to expect any game to introduce a load of original aspects, the annoying thing with Fable 2 was the fact that, not only has it all been done before, but a lot of it has already been done much better, even by games that are over a decade old. An example is the fairly mindless nutrition system in Fable 2. Fairly standard – you buy various items of food/drink in order to replenish health etc. This was done in MM6, and although the selection of food wasn’t anything to shout about (you just bought ‘food’ as opposed to the needlessly large selection of goods in Fable 2), they got it right, since you HAD to eat every now and then, even if you had full health, just to keep from dying, much as you or I do in real life. Moving from locale to locale in MM6 would take a number of days in most cases, and it’d automatically deduct food from your stash in order to keep your party going. If you didn’t have any food, your party would get weak (causing their combat attributes to drop significantly), and eventually die. In Fable 2 however, you’re able to travel around the map, running and fighting etc, for indefinite periods without ever needing to eat or drink. Would that have been so hard to build in to the game? It’s oversights like that which render the rest of the ‘realistic’ aspects of the game pointless.

On the topic of nutrition, you have to eat nothing but fruit or vegetables unless you want your hero to become fat. Eating pies, meat, cheese or chocolate makes you fat, as does drinking beer. OK, so that might happen in real life aswell, but most of us in real life don’t spend every hour of every day sprinting around and fighting. If you did that, you’d expect to be in the shape of your life – not in Fable, if you eat a couple of pies. It’s almost as if there’s some weird vegetarian message being put across in the game – eating vegetables adds to your ‘purity’ aswell, for some fucking stupid reason. Of course, you could always devour a load of celery (which makes you thin), but the whole system feels daft and gets annoying quickly.

So, the level of choice when it comes to food is needlessly wide, as described – ranging from mouldy apples to ‘erudite’ blueberry pies. You’re probably thinking “well, if the developers put so much effort into something as trivial as the choice of food, then every aspect of the game must be rich and varied!”. You’re wrong. In a game like this, one of the most important aspects is the variety of creatures that inhabit the game world – specifically the variety of different enemies and monsters you must overcome to progress. Usually, you’ll start off in a game fighting weak enemies, and as the game progresses you’ll encounter ever-more bizarre and fearsome creatures. To some extent that happens in Fable 2 aswell, but it’s nowhere near good enough. There are basically only about 5 different enemies in the whole game, and the vast majority of them are simple ‘bandits’. Enter a cave or graveyard and you’ll inevitably bump into some ‘hollow men’, and probably some ‘hobbes’, which are a kind of disappointing cross between bandits and hollow men, er. Regardless of what they are, they’re all too easy to defeat anyway, so there’s no different challenges to fighting different monsters.

By far the most interesting enemies in the game are the trolls – you know, the ones that you see on the back of the game packaging and think to yourself “wow, that’s what I’ll be fighting!” – however, there’s only about 3 of them in the whole game, and as with the other enemies in the game, they’re far too easy to defeat. They don’t move, for a start, and all you have to do is shoot them from a distance. You’ll only damage them when their ‘tendrils’ are showing, but it’s just a matter of patience. Their attacks are so slow and cumbersome that the only risk you run is having your dog run mindlessly into the path of a rock or something. It’s a fucking shame, since they’re such a promising enemy.

What annoys me most when I think about it is, if we inhabit a world in which trolls exist, why not go further and populate the land with a host of other mythical beasts? Goblins, fairies, giants, dragons… you get the picture. Nope, unfortunately the developers seem to have been too preoccupied thinking up different types of pie, and making sure each tombstone in the game has a unique inscription. Again, a massive wasted opportunity. Sorry for having to go back to MM6 again, but Fable 2 could have learned a lot from the huge number of different creatures and monsters in that game (everything from rats and bats, to titans and sea monsters).

I’ve hinted at it above, but another problem is the easiness of the game. Not only are the quests all straightforward, but all of the enemies, without exception, are too easy to kill. This is because the combat system is basically an exercise in mindless, unimaginative button-mashing. Keep pressing B and you’ll keep twatting the enemies all around you, without giving them an opportunity to hit you back. You’ll learn ‘block’ and ‘counter’ abilities but will never need them. The spells are easily manipulated to making every fight a piece of piss aswell – a simple time-control spell, raise a few dead bodies to fight for you, and bang – the enemies are preoccupied and will leave you alone, allowing you to charge up a powerful fireball spell to wipe them out. Add to all this the fact that it’s actually impossible to die (you can get ‘knocked out’, but even that takes some doing with the wealth of healing potions you’ll have) and it makes for one very easy, and thus unrewarding, game. Combat isn’t the only aspect to the game, of course, but it is something you’ll spend a lot of time doing. If it wasn’t so boring and easy, the game would have greater appeal and replay value.

That brings me nicely(ish) onto the dog.  This is another one of the features of the game that people wank on about… “you get really attached to the little fella!”.. “your dog’s appearance changes depending on how evil or good you are!”. Actually, only the colour changes (light if you’re good, black if you’re evil. The dog is supposed to help you out in a number of ways – most significantly treasure-hunting and fighting. The treasure-hunting aspect is fine – he’ll find chests if you somehow manage to miss them yourself, and will find ‘dig-spots’ where you can unearth (usually) meagre items or small amounts of gold. The fighting element is poorly executed, though. The idea is that your dog will finish off the enemies that you knock down, but it doesn’t happen like that. The dog usually just ignores the enemies and runs round aimlessly, invariably getting injured (he can’t die either) and needing a healing ‘dog elixir’. Your dog elixir is bottomless, which is a good job since the dog will get injured in most fights. The idea of a companion is good in a way, but in this instance the dog just becomes an annoyance.

As stated above, the main quest is too short in this game. The ‘choices’ between good and evil you make are merely superficial – you always end up in the same place and pursuing the same ending whether you’re good or evil. You can choose between 3 different endings (there’s no special requirements to unlock any of the three – just a straight choice after you ‘defeat’ the final ‘boss’), but again, their effect is merely superficial and don’t really affect the way you continue to play the game (which you can do, once the main quest is completed).

Right, my final point – the final boss, or lack thereof. The storyline of the game is one of revenge, against ‘Lucien’, who in the time between murdering your sister and the end of your quest, has become (apparently) hugely powerful. You’d be expecting, therefore, a huge showdown at the end of the game, a fight to the death with a destructive monster, or at the very least a monster representing a bigger challenge than the rest of the enemies in the game. You get neither – rather, you’re presented with a bizarre interactive cut-scene, in which you’re a child again. The weird magic music box from earlier inexplicably shows up again, and you’re transported magically to Lucien’s tower (now back as an adult – yes, it‘s fucking mindless). You don’t fight him though – just hold A to use the music box on him! Don’t worry, he won’t fight back. The box drains his power, then all you need do is shoot him ONCE and he’ll die. Game over. It’s literally the BIGGEST disappointment I’ve ever experienced in a game. It’s on a par, in cinematic terms, with the ludicrous ending from the film adaptation of IT (see review in our film section). It isn’t even a boss, and so the whole thing is a fucking huge anticlimax. Sorry for ruining the ending for those of you who haven’t played it, but it’s a low point of the game anyway, and this is, after all, a no-nonsense review.

Since this isn’t a GCSE essay (although it’s now longer than any I did during my GCSEs, or ‘A‘ levels, or degree), I won’t bother with a ‘summary’ – all the necessary information has already been condensed above. The bottom line is that Fable 2 had huge potential, but doesn’t really pull off any of its various aspects adequately. It’s a big shame and a wasted opportunity. That said, and although I’ve spent the past 3 sides of A4 slagging the game off, I can’t bring myself to give it a really low score. For all its faults, it’s mildly enjoyable and you’ll probably play it more than once, if just for the sake of completeness, making the good decisions first time round and evil the next, or vice-versa. It’s somehow more than the sum of its (mostly shit) parts. Final thought – I’m glad I only paid a tenner for it, and won’t be in a hurry to buy Fable 3 until that’s a tenner aswell.

Score: 5/10

MS

Developer(s)	Lionhead Studios
Publisher(s)	Microsoft Game Studios
Price(s)	eBay auction – £8 – £10 (used) eBay fixed price – £10 – £20 (used) New – £15 (classic edition) – £25 (GOTY edition)